New Beginnings

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I enjoy this time of year. I have a few things that I always try to work into the last week of the year. Things like deep cleaning my room, taking a spiritual retreat, setting goals, reflecting on the past year, and enjoying leftover chocolate from Christmas.

Every year is a new beginning. A chance to grow. An opportunity to celebrate what God did in the year and look forward to what He is going to do in the new year. A fresh start. 

Even with the challenges of this year, I'm so grateful for all that God has done in my heart and life. I'm so glad for the adventures that I've been able to go on and the great people that I've been able to grow with. 

I'm excited to see how the Lord is going to continue the adventure in 2021.

Love Came Down

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Close your eyes and share the dream. Let everyone on earth believe. The Child was born. The star shown bright. And love came down at Christmas time.

This song by Point Of Grace is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. It encapsulates so much. 

The Lord of love Came down as a man. 

He shared in our humanity. 

He humbled Himself. 

The One who is worshipped, became the lowest of the low. 

The one who is limitless took on limiting flesh. 

Love walked among us. 

This God is worthy of all our praise, glory, and honor. 

He is so good. 

Have a very merry Christmas in Him. 

The Light

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Today shine out His light. 

Today illuminate His love. 

Today burn with His passion. 

Today be a child of light. 

Today reflect the brightness of His glory. 

Today stand firm in the Light. 

Today be a light. 

Taking Time

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In the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it's easy to get so busy that we miss the the wonder. 

But today I challenge you to take time and breath. 

Remember the wonder of Christ coming down to earth.

Dwell on the Redemption story. 

Let your eyes focus on the graciousness of God.

Be amazed at how our God chose to step into the history He orchestrates. 

Any time I dwell on these things they blow me away. Today I hope they blow you away too. 

The Weight Of Years

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Today marks 4 years since I was asked out on date. Almost 3 and 1/2 years since I broke up with the same guy who asked me out. 

In 2021 it will have been 10 years since I made my wedding dress. There was no guy in the picture at the time, but I wanted to make an elaborate dress and I knew that I didn't want to wait until wedding crunch time. So I sewed, embroidered, and finished my dress. I packed it away for a day that I hoped wasn't far away. 

Now as I stand here years later I feel the weight of those years. I feel the time that has passed. The dreams that have been collecting dust. The hope deferred. The disappointments. 

It is so tempting when I feel the weight of years to let it drive me into self focus and discouragement. To let my gaze drift down to the pain. But praise God, there is another option. When I feel the weight of years pressing down on me, I can choose to transfer that weight onto Christ. With all the years of the Lord being faithful, it has built a support beam that holds that weight perfectly. Any time that the pressure to cave starts to press down, I can transfer the weight onto the beam of faithfulness. With all that we have walked through together, I know that it can hold the weight of whatever I am facing. 

Even in the things that break me down and make me feel like quitting, God supports the weight of years. So instead of crushing me, the weight is lifted off of me. As I turn my gaze to His faithfulness, the weight slips off my shoulders. It becomes yet another part of my journey with Him. One where He sustains me and dances with me. 

So the next time I begin to feel the pressure, I can by the grace of God transfer the weight and dance free. I can let it become part of my story, not pressure that makes me cave into selfishness. 

Yet again something that could break me becomes a testimony of God's grace and love in my life. And I am grateful. 

Thankful Thursday #4

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For the last of my gratitude lists I'm going to make a list of the events that I'm grateful for. Some of these it took me awhile to see a reason to be grateful for, but in all of these I'm so so grateful to God for His Sovereign plan. 

Being born. 

Every birthday since. 

Accepting Christ as Lord and Savior. 

The day that I realized it was all about what He did for me not what I do for Him. 

My baptism. 

Engagement breakup. 

The day I thanked God for hard love. 

The day I realized that God had worked healing in me. 

Washington DC trip with the family. 

Family trip to the beach. 

Family staycation. 

Leaving a job, not knowing where I was going to work. 

The day I flew to Michigan to work on Beyond The Mask. 

Starting a new job. 

The day my friend confided in me. 

Working on a film where I was accepted and appreciated. 

Celebrating 4 years of volunteering at a hospital. 

When I got to do spitiual battle for a friend. 

When I was accepted for who I was. 

The day I started the Ellerslie Online Training. 

Celebrating Christian Passover as a family. 

Quarantine. 

All of these events have a story. There are so many memories attached to each one of them. So many ways that God showed His love and grace in each event. 

Most of all I am so thankful that Jesus has been there for every event in my journey. He's been my strength, the love that sustained me, and the heartbeat of my life. He is good. 

Thankful Thursday #3

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For this list I want to share some of the great things that God has given. 

A warm and welcoming home to come home to. 

A job working with kids. 

A closet full of pretty clothes and shoes. 

A working phone. 

More good food than I can eat in a week. 

Craft projects. 

Hot showers. 

5 acres that I get to walk on. 

AC. 

Fun purses and bags. 

Glass water bottles and my lunch bag. 

Pictures. 

Books. 

My kindle. 

Airplanes. 

Stamps and stationary. 

Smoothies and hot drinks. 

Journals. 

Cats and dogs. 

Music. 

Bibles. 

Flowers. 

Jewelry. 

Trains. 

Scrapbooks. 

Notebooks. 

Colored pins. 

Quilts. 

A comfy bed. 

My teddy bear collection. 

Art from my dad. 

Gifts from friends. 

Keepsakes. 

Doll collection. 

Mini tea set collection. 

Seasonal decor. 

Lotion. 

Facials. 

Nail polish and stickers. 

Clean water. 

Clean air. 

Cute masks. 

This is just a few of the physical blessings that I enjoy on a daily basis. And I'm so grateful to God for them. 

Thankful Thursday #2

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Today I want to list a as many of the friends past and present that have meant so much to me. I'm deeply grateful for each one of the names on this list. I could write a whole blog post about each one of these amazing people and the impact that they have had, but for now I'm going to list them.

My Dad

My mom

Sarah Holman 

Michael Holman

Grace Holman

Rebekkah Holman

Mikayla Holman

The Larkin Family 

Debra

Joanna

Mallorie 

Heidi

Keri

Victoria 

Amy

Kay

Lisa

Lory

The Perry Family 

Rosetta

Hannah

DeAnna

Sarah K

Oksana 

Erin

The Orlando sisters

Anna S

Anna T

Faith

Emma

Andrea 

Shelli

Janice

Hannah M

Kim

Vangie

Keri H

Kennedy 

My awesome coworkers

My church family 

My old filmmaking buddies

My hospital volunteer friends

And for the countless people who came into my life for only a moment, but had a tremendous impact. 

For all of these I am so grateful. 

Thankful Thursday #1

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During November I'm going to be sharing some lists of the things I'm grateful for. God has been so good. My life is filled to overflowing with His goodness and I'd like to share this with you.

God called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light. 

He died for my sins. 

He cleansed and continues to cleanse me from all my sins. 

Because Christ lives, I live. 

I have the Holy Spirit in me. 

I have purpose and meaning In Christ. 

God is with me wherever I go. 

I can come to God in prayer. 

Christ enables me to live a life that honors God. 

I have hope, peace, and joy. 

I have several copies of God's Word. 

I have a myriad of Bible studies. 

Songs of praise and worship are readily available to me. 

I get to live in relationship with God. 

Adventures with God never end. 

I could go on and on and on. But for now I will just say that I am so thankful for the Gracious and Faithful God I serve. He is great and compassionate. And He calls me His child. This is why I can be so grateful. He has given me all that I have and has made me into what I am. 

My Story

Photo Credit: Joanna 

It began before the foundations of the world were laid. God in eternity past chose to create me. He chose this time and place for me to be born. He wrote my story. He is working to see it all come to completion.

I've shared my testimony hundreds of times. Each time I do I'm amazed at all that God and I have walked through together. 

I can't remember the exact day I was saved, but I know that God has welcomed me into His kingdom. He has ransomed and redeemed me. He is making me more like Him. He is at work in me. 

As I look back on all that God has done and the amazing adventures we have been on, I'm so thankful for how He has walked with me every step of the way. Through all the ups and downs, mountains and valleys, excitement and boredom, adventures and daily life, He has been my Constant and Faithful God. He keeps pursuing and and loving me through all of life. I've never walked alone. 

What's your story? What roads have you and God walked together? Where have you seen Him at work? I'd love to hear about it. Feel free to write out your story in the Comments. 

The Desert

Photo Credit: Joanna S

In July I got to Joshua Tree National Park. I enjoyed climbing rocks, spending time with friends, and see some amazing views. 

God reminded me of Hosea 2. This chapter has become very dear to me because it is a reflection of my own story. 

The first part shares in graphic detail how Isreal has prostituted themselves to idols and how God responds. It's a sad tale of God's chosen people exchanging the glory of God for a false god. I too at one time had traded glory for an idol. I had let my dream of marriage grow into an ugly idol that consumed me. 

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. 

This is what the Lord did for me. He blocked my way with a thornbush that I couldn't get around. I had chased my idol, but it wasn't what God wanted for me. In His kindness my engagement was broken. My heart shattered. 

Then she will say, `I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'

When what you trusted in falls arart you reach back to what is worthy of trust. And this is what I did. While I lay shattered I purposed to go back to what was true and real. 

What follows in the next verses is a graphic and hard description of what God did to punish His wayward people for their idolatry and prostitution. Coming back to God is always what we should do. Yet He doesn't leave our sins unpunished. Yes He covered on the offense on the cross, but I still had to be corrected. I had to realize how wrong I had been so that I could appropriate the grace that God had for me. It was a hard time. The only way I made it through was God's sustaining hand. He stayed with me through the process and restored me. 

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.

After the break up, I went through a rough time. So much pain and brokenness. Yet in the middle of all of it, I heard the tender voice of God. He kept calling out to me. He was calling me to come away from the noise and distractions. He allured me into the desert. Where we could rekindle our relationship. Where He could restore my soul. Where He could show me that He was my Source and Hope. 

There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. 

Indeed, the Lord made my Valley of Achor (trouble) into a door of hope. What looked like a dry desert became a passageway to green meadows. It took a few years, but God healed my heart. He made me sing again. He was so good and gracious. He renewed and restored me. Now because of His goodness I live in so much freedom and grace. 

There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me `my husband'; you will no longer call me `my master.' I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked.

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.

I will show my love to the one I called `Not my loved one.' I will say to those called `Not my people,' `You are my people'; and they will say, `You are my God.'"

Is This What I Look Like?

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I was at work playing with the kids. One of them brings me a toy. Is that what I look like to God when I bring Him an offering? He doesn't laugh though He needs nothing. He sees the earnest heart that it came from and accepts it with a smile. 

I am holding a screaming child. She didn't get her way and she's mad. Is this how I look to God when I don't get my way? He sees the best not just for me but those around me and yet I can be so stubborn. I scream and demand my way. Yet He waits with patient and loving arms. He loves me too much to give me my every whim. He waits for me to see it the way He does.

A group of five year olds try to one up each other. I laugh at their "boasts". But is that the way that I look to God when I boast about what I have or have done? I long to be someone of distinction and value. Yet when I boast, I disconnect from the way of my Savior. He sought to lift others up even if it meant pushing Himself down. Oh, let my heart be the same as His.

I see her cute little smile as she inches closer to me. She wants to be close for a hug or a tickle. I give her both, relishing her smile. Is this how I look to God when I come close? In those times when I'm not driven by need, but drawn into His presence by an overwhelming desire to be with my loving King. I wonder if it warms His heart. 

I see him climbing on the cabinet and tell him to get down. He doesn't know the danger, but I do and it scares me because I care about him. Is that how I look to God when I start going down a sinful path? He cries out for me to come back. I don't know the full danger, but He does. And in love He forbids what would destroy the life inside me.

He slips his hand into mine. We start walking. My heart skips a beat. I love this kid so much. Does God's heart warm when I slip my hand into His? I reach up for the Eternal God and invite Him along. Do His eyes shine as He takes my hand?

Their eyes light up when they spot a bird. They stand mesmerized by the sight. Oh, Lord this is how I want to be with You. I want to be blown away by any little glimpse of You. I want to grow up in You, but maintain a childlike faith. So let me look to You for all my needs and trust Your timing. Let me enjoy this life You have given. Let me seek You and be found by You. Let these kids teach me how You see me.

Resurrection

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What if death is merely a doorway? 

What if an end opens the way for a beginning? 

What if when it looks like the darkness has won is really an opportunity for the light to shine? 

What if the gaping hole left by someone becomes the means by greater love is poured into your life?

What if when things look the most hopeless is when the greatest power can be displayed? 

What if real life can only be birthed when our fake life dies? 

What if death is just the way that we get to the place where God can resurrect us? 

Death is not pleasant. 

Death often is accompanied by pain. 

Death is hard. 

Death of someone or something you love is inevitable. 

But there is good news. 

Our God is the Lord of Life. 

He is the King of the living. 

He is God Everlasting. 

He has the power of life in His hands. 

He is strong enough to bring resurrection to anything no matter how dead things appear. 

And He longs to bring resurrection into our lives. 

He longs for life abundant to flourish. 

This is who He is. 

This is the power of our God. 

Oh let us come to Him in faith with the dead parts of our lives and ask for a resurrection greater than anything we could imagine. 

A Dormant Season

      

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I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was walking outside. The air was chilly. The seasons were changing. I was scared.

It was fall of 2017. The year had been a hard one of my own making. I had cried and been through so much pain. As the cold weather came, I could feel the cold setting into my heart. Somehow I knew that this wasn't just another change in seasons. It was the beginning of a season that I would look a lot like the world around me. The color would be gone and things would be dormant. And I didn't want to be dormant. I wanted to be made whole.

So I cried. "Lord, I don't want to be here. I want to be full of life again. I don't want this season of dormancy."

He was so calm and gentle with me. He came and spoke the encouragement I needed to hear. "This season will come. Yes it will look like you are dormant, but that is not the full picture. This season will be one of deep healing. I am here with you. Embrace it."

I took a deep breath. I knew He was right. In that moment I surrendered myself to Him and embraced the winter. 

The cold came. The trees dropped their leaves. The world went dormant. Yet in that season, God still walked with me. Even in the hidness and dormancy of winter, God worked healing. 

I praise God that dormant seasons aren't forever. Just as winter comes, spring also comes. He leads us through all seasons for His names sake. He heals broken, surrendered hearts for His glory.

Lord, I come to You afresh today. You have me in this time and place for a purpose. This season is of Your making. I pray that I would be surrendered wholly and completely to You. That I may walk through this season in a way that honors You. Amen. 

Dogs At My Heels

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Recently I've taken back up bike riding. I had ridden a bike a lot in my teens, but had gotten out of the habit. Now I enjoy the exercise of a good bike ride around our country neighborhood.

There's only one big fear that I have. It's getting attacked by a dog. The sound of a bark is enough to make me peddle harder and avoid eye contact. Once the barking fades, I slow down and relax.

Yet sometimes I wonder if God does the same thing in my spiritual life. I will be peddling on going nowhere fast. Then all of the sudden I'll hear a dog barking. It comes in different forms. A friends rebuke. A challenging situation. An added stress. An unexpected need. Suddenly I find myself needing to peddle harder. To reach up for God's strength. To pour out more. To pray more. To give more. To live fully alive. 

And when the barking fades I look up to see that I'm farther down the road then I thought. The barking gave me the incentive that I needed to carry me forward. So I thank God for the times He's allowed the barking dogs into my life. For the times God gave me the strength and focus to peddle harder. For the times that I get to look up and see I'm farther down the road than I thought. 

His Strength

I sat down on the floor of the darkened room. The children slept peacefully. I had reached on end. The conversation with God went something like this.

"God I can't do any more. I've poured out everything I have on these friends. I'm working and trying to be there for those that need me. I've been fighting in prayer, texting, calling, and pouring out. Now I have nothing left to give. I'm done."

"Daughter, don't give up. Keep loving."

"Lord, I can't. I told You. I have nothing left in my resources. I'm empty. I know that these friends need more from me. Yet I don't have it in me to give them."

"You can't do this in your own strength. Look to Me. I will provide all that you need." 

As I sat there I found He had filled the emptiness with His love and grace. I knew that I could love those that I had been given to love that day. It wasn't in my own strength and power. It was in His. He had filled me to continue doing what He had called me to do. He had given me the love that I needed to pour out onto others. 

It's just another tangible example to me that the power to live this life doesn't come from me. It comes from Him. He is the Source and Giver of all life. He is gracious and will give me all that I need.

Today if you are feeling stretched thin and like you can't go on, reach out for His limitless strength. He longs to be more than you could ever imagine. 

When My Plans Get Wreaked

I feel like the words in this picture describe most of what I've done throughout 2020. I had made plans. I had things wanted to do and set out on an adventure filled year. 

Then I had to cancel so many plans. All of us have. All of us had to deal with disappointments. All of us wish we could have stuck with the original plan.

But that's not what God had in mind. He had a better plan. He knew we needed this. He knew we needed to grow. He knew that for many of us it would be the wake up call we needed. He knew this would be a time to remember what's really important. He knew this was what we needed not what we wanted. 

Do I like having to cancel plans repeatedly? No. Do I like growth pains? No. Am I thankful that God works even in the middle of crazy times and disappointmented plans? You'd better believe it! I'm so thankful that God is sovereign and that He is at work no matter what the world is throwing at us. He is still good and He is actively working in our lives. As one of my favorite Bible teachers Whitney Capps says it like this, "Life is hard. Hard is good. God is best."

If we could only grasp this beautiful reality, what a difference it would make. We could embrace the challenges and canceled plans with joy because we know that God is working out the very best in us. He is overseeing the master plan. He is sovereign and good. 

I know for me it hasn't been easy to cancel so many plans, but the longer that the uncertainty drags on it makes me more and more grateful that God is working even this for the very best. It's hard. Hard is good. Why? Because in the hard we have the opportunity to reach out for the best. The best is God. The best will always be God. 

And that is why we can have joy. Let's embrace this reality a little more fully today shall we? 

My Running List

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I went to clean up the latest mess and try to contain my frustration. The day was not going well. I mentally added this latest problem to the growing list of things that were going wrong today. I was trying to my best and fight my blah mood, but I felt like nothing was getting me out of the blah. Nothing terrible had happened, just a lot of little things kept going wrong.

I took a deep breath. This was wrong. I was wrong. I shook myself and realized that I had been making the wrong list. 

I sat down. It was time to make another list. I started a list of all the things I was thankful for. A list of the things that are true about God no matter what kind of day I'm having.

By the time I was done my perspective had shifted. My day didn't drastically change. There were still some things that annoyed me, but my heart was better for having made a list of things that I'm grateful for.

No matter what your day throws at you, you have an amazing opportunity to be grateful for what God has given you instead of focusing on the bad. You have the chance to refocus on the good. Is it easy? Sometimes no, but it's always better. Let us always overflow with thankfulness for who He is and all that He has given us. Even on bad days there's so much to thank Him for.

So the next time you're having a rough day and are tempted to start making a list of all the things that are going wrong, stop a minute. Start making a list of all the good things in your life. Remember who God is and what He has rescued you from. Shift your eyes to Him. Your day may not change, but you will. 

29 Random Facts About Me

Its my birthday today. 29 years of God's love and goodness. 

Even though it hasn't been all flowers and rainbows, I'm so thankful for every year. Each year that God has given me has been a gift. Full of adventure, craziness, and life. Every time I look back I can see God's hand working and moving even in the thorny times (many times even more so).

Today is a day of celebration. Here goes 29 random things that you may or may not know about me. 

1. I don't remember the exact day that I was saved. I was so young and for some reason I can't recall the specific day. However I know that when I was very young God called me to be one of His children. He brought me into His kingdom and He keeps growing me and drawing me closer to Himself. 

2. I have a teddy bear collection. 

3. I've gone by many nicknames. Including but not limited to Smurf, Rabbit, elephant, RaRa, Sunshine, and Ruth. 

4. I enjoy bike rides and long walks. 

5. I like pretty much anything chocolate unless it also contains coconut or mint. 

6. My first job was cleaning house for a neighbor. 

7. I drank dog shampoo when I was 3 and lived to tell the tale thanks to my mom.

8. I like flowers. Roses are my favorite (shocker) 

9. I'm not very good at drawing or painting freehand, but if I have lines or a pattern I'm good (coloring pages are my friend). 

10. I've cross stitched my mom a Nativity every year for Christmas for the last 12 years.

11. I enjoy leaving a song every place I go. 

12. I enjoy travel and seeing new places.

13. I've seen the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.

14. I'm a 7th generation Texan. 

15. I've listened through my Bible so many times I've lost count.

16. I have seen the fingerprints of God on every part of my story. Even in the hard parts. Whether being excited over a new job, dealing with a loss of a relationship, walking in the sunshine with a good friend, crying over a friend walking away from me, playing in the snow, having a heart to heart talk with a mentor, you name it I can look back and see Him there.

17. I like to play board games. 

18. I'm not competitive. I prefer to work as a team. 

19. I have a bag and purse collection. You can never have too many in my opinion. 

20. I have worked on 4ish short films, and 2 feature films, and done promotion for 1 feature film. 

21. I have a large notebook that I use to dream about what I want to become, trips I want to take, or things that I want to accomplish. I call it my dream journal.

22. Never Give Up is one of my favorite sayings. It encourages me on days when I'm feeling down and want to give up on people or projects. 

23. I'm an avid Sight and Sound Theater fan. 

24. I've taken a spiritual retreat every year for the past 4 years. 

25. I have an ever changing favorite song. 

26. I enjoy sending cards and letters to friends. 

27. You can easily surprise me. I'm either gullible or unsuspecting or maybe a mixture of the two. 

28. I enjoy making people laugh. 

29. I'm 29 and so excited to see what God does with this year. Whatever happens I know it's going to be a wonderful crazy adventure. 

Rhythms, Routines, and Normal Life

Normal. Routine. Mundane. This week has been getting back into the swing of normal. After 3 weeks off of work, it was time to get back into the rhythm of set schedule and work. 

Part of me didn't want to go back to normal. I like vacation. I like being able to wake up whenever I want, do whatever, and enjoy a slower pace. 

Vacations are fun and they teach me so much, but I wasn't made to live there. I was made to live in normal life. In the everyday. In the common and mundane moments of life.

When I step back and look at the pieces that make up a normal day, none of them seem exciting at first glance. Yet I'm so thankful for all of the individual normal things that make up a part of my day. An alarm clock that works. Prayer time. Family. A morning commute. A job working with kids. Hugs and smiles. Lunch. An afternoon commute. Music. Texting friends. Bible study. Audiobooks. Eating. Getting ready for bed. Writing in my daily journal. It's all every normal things, but I am so grateful that God is in the middle of my normal life. I don't just get Him on vacation, I get Him in everyday life. I don't have to do something special, I get to have Christ as my constant companion throughout the day. 

He is the One who gives meaning to the mundane. Each day I can wake up with purpose and go about another normal day secure in the knowledge that God is weaving a beautiful tapestry out of the threads of normal. It may feel so small and normal, but placed in His hands it becomes a lovely masterpiece. 

Today I'm so thankful for the normal, mundane, and everyday things that God has giving me. For the opportunity to offer some more threads to the tapestry He is weaving. 

What are some of the normal things that you are thankful for? 

Keep Going

I know this season has lasted longer than any of us wanted. 

This season of shutdowns, unknowns, Coronavirus, fears, and deferred plans. 

In this season, God hasn't been still. We have seen Him working. He is actively pursuing us and drawing us closer to Himself. In the midst of all the chaos, He has been with us. He has been our strength and our refuge. 

This season has not been easy, but it has taught us much. And it's not over yet. It's easy right now to grow tired and quit. But you don't have to. 

Let us keep pressing ahead. Let us not grow weary. Let us keep running the race that God has laid out for us. Let us keep doing what we know is right. 

With Christ by our side empowering us every step of the way, we can do this. In Him and with Him.

Know that I pray that today you would be encouraged to run the race well and love those around you. 

I Was Afraid

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I stood at the window gripping the window frame. Trying to find something firm to hold on to. 

I was scared. I could feel God tugging at my heart. He was asking me to not hold back my love for a friend. He was asking me to trust.

"Lord, I can't. What if she rejects the part of my heart that I offer? What if I'm left with this huge hole in my heart and end up empty? What if..." I had loved before. I had held nothing back. I had given all. Then I had been hurt and rejected. I had been misunderstood and left feeling empty. I couldn't do that again. 

His loving voice broke into my fears. "Entrust yourself to Me first. Give me your heart. Then hold nothing back from your friend. She needs to know your heart." 

I gripped the window a little tighter and took in a deep breath. Slowly I let it out and released the control. I let down the wall that I had built out of fear. 

I began to share my heart with my friend. I released my heart to God first and then into her hands. 

What I found was love and acceptance. Instead of running away, she came closer. Instead of moving away, she moved in for a hug. Instead of being empty, I was made whole by heavenly hands reaching out through a friend. 

Fear will keep me away from others. Love will draw me to them to pour out the love that has been given to me. I can never pour out more than God has poured out on me. It's in entrusting myself to Him that I find freedom to love lavishly, fully, and graciously. Just like He does. Even if my love is rejected, I can trust that God will always be enough for the lack that people leave.

So today I want to love well holding nothing back. Because I am in Christs loving care, I am safe to love others. In Him I am loved, safe, and always wanted. Praise be to His Matchless Name.

She Dances Free

She who once was enslaved to sin is now free in God. 

She who once followed her own passions now submits to God's leading. 

She who once brought shame now is a carrier of grace. 

She who was once proud and rebellious now follows God. 

She who was once beat down by sin and the devil is standing strong in the Lord. 

She who was once chained now dances free.

How is the possible? By the blood of the Lamb. It overcomes the greatest sins. It cleanses her filth. It removes her shame. 

Praise be to Lamb. Because of Him, she dances free. 

The Weak One

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Sometimes I feel so weak.

I want to be an awesome encourager, sold-out God-follower, good friend, and a good daughter.

But so often I reach these pivotal points where I have to make a choice and I see the gap between my abilities and the task at hand.

I feel weak and insufficient to do what He is calling me too. 

That's when He reminds me, "I have chosen you. I'm going to use your weakness to showcase my strength. I'm going to take the weakness of your singleness and use it to display My sufficiency. I'm going to take your heart that trembles and use it to touch others with My love. I'm going to take your words that seem so feeble and use them to build others up. I'm going to take your hands that shake with fear and use them to touch people with My love. I'm going to take the areas that you feel vulnerable and use them to display Me. Will you trust Me in all of this?"

To which I reply, "yes Lord. Take my weakness and fill it with Your strength."

It's then that the amazing happens. He fills me with strength to do that which He has called me to. Now I can step forward (many times with shaky hands) and make the God-honoring choice. I can live the life He has called me to live. He enables me to do what I couldn't do in of myself. 

Today if you are feeling weak and inadequate, Praise God! It's only when we come to the end of ourselves and cry out to Him that His power can flow through us. This is our Christian life. This is who God has made us to be. 

Today are we willing to let go of our self-sufficiency and become dependent on His sufficiency? We cannot to do both. Oh, Beloved let us chose to become Gods weak little lambs that Christs power might be displayed in us.

In Your Eyes

3 years ago I was in a broken place. When my engagement ended, I thought the tears would never end. I thought the pain would be forever. I thought I had lost it all. I'm so thankful God proved me wrong. 

One of the hard things I had to do in picking up the wreckage was going back to work. But God and my coworkers were so gracious. God comforted me and gave me strength for each new day. My family drove me in most of the time so they could be close for support. My coworkers gave me space and let me cry when I needed to. A true blessing. Slowly God healed what had been broken. 

One day my boss told me that she was so thankful I came back. "It was so sad to see you after the breakup. You looked empty. I was so thankful I got to see Rose come back into your eyes."

It was true. I had lost Rose to get marriage. With that that was off the table, I was left with a shell not sure of who I was. Hurting and broken. 

The amazing thing in all of this is that God never left me. He kept pursuing me. He day by day would restore and heal what had been shattered. He kept renewing me and making me new. 

Today I look back and I can trace His hand of grace and healing. He remade my heart to be more like His. He had Rose come back into my eyes. 

I pray that today when people look into my eyes they see Rose. The Rose that is a reflection of Christ. The Rose that longs for more of the Living God. The Rose that has compassion for the hurting. The Rose that seeks to be a good friend. 

In all of this, He is good. In all of this, He is faithful. In all of this, He works a greater plan than I can imagine. In all of this, He is to be praised. In all of this, He is Holy. In all of this, He is the One who restores what has been lost. He is the One who made Rose come back into my eyes. 

A Faith That Remains

Source: Unsplash

I came to Christ at 12. The devil said, "Ha, we will plant the seeds of legalism and focus on what she isn't doing. It will destroy her faith." Even though I walked through a tough season, Christ stepped in. He brought the truth of His amazing love into my heart and set me free.

I went through a season of growth and walking with God. The devil said, "We need to discourage her with the friends that are leaving her and the people who don't believe in her." But God kept giving me connections with true believers and encouragement to continue on.

I was being used by God to serve others. "Plant enough bad thoughts to render her ineffective." I kept singing. I kept serving. I did for a while anyway.

Then I began to believe I was entitled to marriage and bitter that God wasn't giving it to me. Then a guy came into my life who was all wrong for me. I left the straight and narrow and followed the infatuation of my own heart. "Finally!" the devil said. "Now we can destroy her faith as she pursues her idol."

But God stepped in. He demolished my idol and broke me free from its hold. The breaking of Rose was hard, but it became the means by which God remade me, "This time we can destroy her with bitterness, hate, guilt, and shame. She will be so beat down she will never rise." But the Lord worked in my heart. Day by day, I started to look a little more like Christ. Day by day, Christ replaced the hate and guilt with grace and love. He has given me beauty for ashes. I am redeemed. He healed me.

Throughout my life Satan has sought to destroy my faith. He has used the hard things in my life to whisper lies and try to make me give up. But God has never stopped pursuing me. He keeps redeeming my story and working in my heart. I've never been in this battle alone. He has always won in my life. 

This is my story. This is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long. May I continue for His honor and glory always.

I Hope I Keep Getting Headaches

Recently I've been doing a lot of Bible study. I've been able to have time to study through Simple Seminary and take some Ellerslie online courses as well as read some solid Christian books.

Its been blowing my mind. The concepts and how big our God is give me a headache. I reach a point in my study where I come to the end of my knowledge. My brain is being stretched. My heart is full. So many times I've ended up worshipping God. Then there are the times when I'm listening and have to stop. I feel like my brain is exploding from so much good teaching that it can't fit one more thought in. I stop and worship God where my knowledge comes to an end.

Honestly I hope I keep having these moments throughout my life. Times when I just have to stop and worship the God I can't fully understand (Praise God that I can't). Times when I feel so full of good teaching that I feel like I can't take one more bite. Times when I get headaches from thinking about how amazing God is. 

I'm so thankful that God created us with a capacity to understand and study. Yet we reach a point where knowledge bows the knee in awed worship. 

Let us press ahead in study, not for knowledge sake, but to lead us into worship and relationship with God. He longs for relationship, let us press into it. It's worth the headaches. 

A Hope Surrendered

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I have held onto a hope for a long time. 

A hope of marriage.

A hope that one day a guy would look lovingly into my eyes and cherish me forever.

A hope of a happy home with children.

For years this hope has been deferred. 

For years my heart has been sick.

Recently I listened to what Darlene Diebler Rose did with a hope deferred.

She had a dream of living life with her husband after the war. 

She prayed and asked God for it to happen. 

Instead she received news that her beloved husband had died. 

She cried. 

She prayed. 

And then she surrendered her deferred hope to God. 

It's easy in many ways to surrender to God a fulfilled hope.

When all is smiles and joy, it is easy to gladly give Him the hope we treasure. 

But what do we do with deferred hope?

Hope that seems impossible.

Hope that is making your heart sick.

Hope that leaves a hole in your soul. 

I bring it to God.

I offer it up to Him.

I withhold nothing from the Savior who withholds no good thing from me.

I entrust this hope into His hands.

And in that moment He comes and fills my heart.

He comes and comforts me. 

He heals what has been sick. 

He fills the void. 

Christ is worthy of hopes fulfilled and those that are deferred. 

He is worthy of all.

Let me always surrender all into His hands.

The Vast God

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God is vast.

He fills the whole world. 

He is present everywhere. 

This is a truth too wonderful for me to wrap my mind around and for that I praise God. 

The fact that He is too much for me to wrap my head around is comforting.

Because I can't understand God completely I can be happy that He is greater than me. 

I can rest that He is enough in everything.

I can know that He is greater than everything that comes at me. 

Today ponder the vastness of God. 

Soak in the beautiful reality that He is too amazing for you to figure out. 

Revel in the fact that He fills the entire universe. 

Let your mind be blown by Him. 

16 Years

I got to watch the sun rise this morning. Today I celebrate being 16 years old in Christ.

As I look back on those years I'm incredibly thankful. At 12 Christ called me to be His own. At 13 or 14 He gave me my calling to be an encourager. Throughout the years He has been growing my faith and maturing me. Even though I went through a time of doubts He kept pursuing me. Through all my stumblings, epiphanies, sins, prayers, and seeking, He has continually drawn me. Even 3 years ago when I was running hard after my own selfish ends, He was there. I felt His hand of conviction. I saw His sustaining grace in the fallout. In the remaking He drew me to Himself. Even in the disappointments of last fall, God remained faithful and good.

Now as I sit here watching the world fill with light, I'm so thankful for who God is and all that He has done. In every moment He has been so good. He has been who He always is. The gracious and compassionate God. Slow to anger. Abounding in love to a thousand generations.

This God has had His hand on my life. I can see His fingerprints everywhere. His breath is in my lungs. His life fills me by the power of Jesus Christ.

Oh praise to God Most High. He rules and reigns forever and ever.

Lord, be exalted in my life. Let everything within me honor and desire You. Amen. 

Where I'm At

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Sometimes you have to start with where you are.
Sometimes you have to stop making excuses.
Sometimes you have to simply own up to the facts.
Sometimes you need to own where you are.
Why?
So that you can get to where you need to be.
So you can move past what is slowing you down.
So that you can remember how you got here.
So that you can be reminded whos you are.
You are in Christ.
You are chosen.
You are redeemed.
You have purpose.
You have so many reasons to walk forward.
If today you are struggling with where you are.
If today you want to change.
If today you can't see a way from where you are to where you want to be, there is hope.
There is hope for a better tomorrow.
There is a better place.
There is a life beyond words waiting to be unwrapped.
Come to God.
Start with where you are.
Let Him unfold the path to where you want to be.

My Pandemic Story

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When I got off work two and a half months ago I had no idea what awaited me. 

I was looking forward to Spring Break and getting a jump start on Simple Seminary. Sure their was concerns abouit this Coronavirus thing, but it would be no big deal right? I had no idea. 

Looking back I can see God's faithfulness. Even when I've had to shred so many plans, or dealt with disappointment, or missed friends, and found it disconcerting how many of my normal routines have been taken away. 

But in the middle of all of this I have found God's hand at work. I've seen growth in Christ that I thought would take years. I've seen God provide for all my needs plus many of my wants. I've been able to spend hours upon hours with God and in Bible study. I've been able to finish projects that I thought would take much longer. I've been blown away by God's goodness and how He is working all things for the very best. It's clarified what's most important.

Monday I go back to work. This time will be done, but I pray that the lessons that God has taught me during this time will carry over into the next season. I pray that I can continue unhurried time with God. I pray that I can continue to do what's important not urgent. I pray that I can continue to spend time with my family and make them feel loved. The big praise in that arena is that the God of today is the same God who will be there tomorrow and Monday. I can trust His hand. He has been and will continue to be faithful.

So as I close this chapter and start another, I'm so grateful for God's hand on my life. I'm so thankful for His sustaining grace. I'm so thankful for the growth He's allowed. I'm so thankful for the family that has walked by my side. I'm so thankful for friendships. I'm so thankful for the Bible study that I've done. I'm so thankful for projects done. And I'm even thankful for Zoom. 

As things go back to a new normal, what's on your thankfulness list? I'd enjoy hearing about them in the comments section. 

The Power To Overcome

Lately I have been fighting. It's been a silent war raging in my mind. It's the battle of the past. Particularly memories from 2017. I see a scene that I had a part in play out. I hear a part of a conversation. I am back there in the phone conversation or reading the text. I'm replaying conversations that I can't take back.
I don't know why in the last few weeks these playbacks have become more frequent. I know that this time of year three years ago I was in the thick of a lot of things that make me cringe today. What I have learned from the past is that to let these thoughts run wild is a dangerous thing. Once they start invading they take over and eat the joy of the what God is doing today. They come in and beat me down for the things I can't take back.
In these times I have a choice. That in of itself is an evidence that The Spirit is at work. Those who do not have The Spirit of God living in them don't have a choice at all. They are enslaved to whatever passion or sin comes their way. They think they are free, but they cannot say no to this destructive power. I digress.
I have a choice. I can either give my mind over to these memories. Get entangled in them, dragged down, and beat down by them. Or I can choice to give my mind over to God. I can choose to pray and seek His help.
In these moments its critical to call out to the One who is stronger than my memories. The One who is stronger than my past. The One who is greater than my fears. The One who conquered them with His blood. The One who rose victorious over every power. The One who is exalted and holy. The One who is with me even as I fight these thoughts.
In these moments I must look to His strength to fight this battle. In these moments I must remember what He has done. He shed His own blood for those moments. And having canceled the written code that stood against me He made a public spectacle of them. Triumphing over them by the cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Christ and given Him the name that is above every name. That at the name of Jesus every knee will bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth. And every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory and praise of God the Father.
This is the God I serve. Why in these moments of struggle would I try to muscle through it on my own? Oh I have those moments too, but they never bring victory. Left to myself I fail every single time.
But praise be to God who raises the dead I don't have to live there. I can, by The Holy Spirit living inside me, overcome. I can look to Christ and bring these thoughts captive. I can remember that God remembers them no more. I remember that they are stained red with the blood of my Savior. I can remember that the power to overcome comes from the Spirit inside me. This is is how I can fight the memories. This is how I can overcome. Not by my power, but by The Spirit within me. 

The Things I Took For Granted

There are a lot of things that I took for granted before quarantine. I want to share the list with you and challenge you to write your own list. These things that aren't necessary for life, but I enjoy them.

I encourage you to take a few moments today and remember that we are surrounded by so many good things. Let us not forget to thank God for them. 

Going into a store without a mask. 

Being able to find every food item I wanted in the store. 

Being able to give hugs. 

Going to work. 

Being able to hug little kids. 

Sitting down in a restaurant. 

Hobby Lobby. 

Getting thread from Walmart. 

Being able to meet in person. 

Going to a Church building. 

Having a normal routine. 

A family that is always there for me. 

A God who is always there when I slow down enough to hear His voice. 

A grace that always sustains me. 

An amazing life with Jesus. 

This isn't an exhaustive list, but I am so thankful for what God has shown me through this pandemic. It hasn't been easy, but it has been good. I can see God growing me and I'm happy about that. 

When My Plans Change

A week ago I found out that the missions trip that I planned to go on was canceled for this year. 

At first I was sad. This was going to be an opportunity to serve God and get out of my comfort zone. It was taken away. I went to God. It was then that He gave me a peace built on this truth: even in your worst disappointment, God is working out a better plan. When my plans crash and burn and I'm sorting through wreakege He is working to create the best plan. He will always give you more than you lost. 

So as I worked to pick through the pieces and deal with my own disappointment, there was a hope that I couldn't shake. It was a hope in God. A hope that He knew this was going to happen and planned the best way to move forward, but it will be exactly what God wants. He will infuse me with His love and strengthen me to do whatever He has called me to do. That is the promise I can bank even in these uncertain times. 

I praise God that He is the Master Planner, The King over all, the Lord over creation, the all-knowing God. He reigns and will accomplish His work. I can rest in that. I can continue in what I know to do and entrust the rest to His matchless care. 

For Those Who Have Wondered

For all of those who have wondered, 

Did I make too many mistakes for God to forgive?

I should have known better yet I walked down the foolish path. 

Did I wander too far for God's grace to find me? 

Will the night never end? 

Will the tears of shame and regret always flow? 

Did I disqualify myself from finding love again? 

Are there to be no more dreams for me? 

Am I doomed to disappointment for past sins? 

Is it always going to be this way? 

Will I always carry this ache?

Yes I've asked these questions. I've fought and wrestled with them a lot in the last three years. If you have too, then these answers are for you. 

Dear friend, you are loved. 

God knows you. 

He loves you. 

He still has amazing plans for you. 

His blood is greater than your past. 

His love is greater than your shame. 

His life is all-encompassing.

Choose to believe this. 

Choose to repent. 

Choose to let this truth seep in. 

Choose to be changed by Him. 

Choose to trust His hand. 

Choose to let Him guide you. 

Choose to enjoy where He has you. 

Choose to accept the forgiveness and love He offers you. 

You haven't been disqualified. 

You haven't been cast out. 

You are being refined. 

You are being tested. 

You are being made new. 

Press on. 

Press ahead. 

Don't give up. 

Ambiguity

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One of the things that this pandemic has brought to the light was how much I don't like ambiguity.  I like knowing how long a movie is and how long I have until the end. How am I supposed to plan a budget? I want to know when I can go back to work. I want to know when things will happen. I want to know when waiting periods will come to an end. I want to know when I can hug my friends again. It's not that I can't go with the flow or be spontaneous, I just prefer to know when things will happen. 

God has been graciously and lovingly bringing this to light in me. He wants me to remember that there will always be things in my life that will be ambiguous. There will be some questions that won't get answers for a while. It's what I do with these areas that matters. I could choose to become angry at God for not giving me more clarity or for withholding an answer. Or I can choose to surrender these areas into His hands. I can bring all my questions to Him and place them in His hands. 

When I surrender to Him, I can rest that He knows the greater plan. I can stand in this middle ground between the past and what I don't know and trust Him to lead me forward. It's then that I see the next step. Not all of them, but the one that I need to take. It's as I take that next step that the next becomes clear.

It's in these times that I realize more than before it's not about my questions being answered, its about me taking the next step. It's about God getting the glory even if I can't see the whole picture. Its about continuing to obey when I can't see how it it will end. 

No I still don't like ambiguity, but in the middle of it I can trust God. I look for the light and take the step, knowing that He has the plan and will care for all the details. Even the ones that are ambitious to me. 

  

Joy

We started our Church's livestream and I felt an ache. Why? I wanted to be in Church with people. I ache for the time when I can hug people in person.

I was in the middle of working my way up to a great pity party when a verse broke in. Count it all joy my brothers when you encounter trials of various kinds. 

Is this prolonged season of distance fun? No. But can I count it joy? Yes. I can choose as I feel that ache to look to God and know that in the middle of this time He is working this for His glory and my best. When the longing for more connections comes in I can lift that up to Christ and rejoice that He is at work in my life. 

Lord, let me count it all joy when the ache to see people in person comes in. Let me count in all joy when I'm facing uncertainty about job and paychecks. Let me count it all joy when I'm tried of fighting the battle of discouragement and self focus. Let me bring honor to you out of this time. 

Don't Give Up During Quarantine

It's easy right now to think that we are stuck and can't do anything worthwhile. I mean we have to stay 6 feet away from total strangers. How could we possibly do anything encouraging?

I know I've thought these thoughts. It's easy to want to give up. It's easy to want to think we can't do anything with our faith when we can't reach out and touch someone. Might as well just go watch a ton of movies or check out from life. Might as well just try to forget about it and wait for it all to blow over. 

Friend, this is where Satan wants us. He wants us to give up. To numb the pain. To become ineffective for the Kingdom right now. 

I know that this week I have grown tired of the battle and tired of the distance. When I let my eyes wander, Satan had a foot hold. I wanted to be done with this time instead of embracing it. Thankfully there is repentance and grace.

God hasn't called us to give up in this time. We are called to rise up and reach out to the hurting. We are called to shine Christ's light in the middle of the darkness of fear. We are called to press on. Christ is the Author and Perfector of our faith. Let us fix our eyes on Him and keep running the race. 

I don't know what that will look like for you, but I can offer a few suggestions from how I feel that God is calling me in this time to keep running. 

Reach out to the unbelievers you know and see how they are doing. 

Take groceries to an elderly neighbor. 

Engage with your family. Take time to be with them and do things for them. 

Send letters of encouragement to friends. 

Be kind and gracious to all retail workers. 

Stay connected with friends and pray for them. 

Dig deep into the Bible and study the matchless God we serve. 

What's on your list? What has God given you to do? How has He called you to keep running? 

Do it my friend! Don't let discouragement drag you down. If you've stopped running, pray, repent, and then start again. Turn off the distractions and run toward our Glorious King. He is worthy of a well run race. 

To What Do You Run?

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We are all running toward something. 

We are all pressing ahead towards our dreams. 

When we are feeling down we run to what we think will make us happy.

When life doesn't go our way we want something to cheer us up. 

We want something to help with the pain. 

Whether it be a fantasy, a shopping spree, a food bindge, we want something to numb the hurt that threatens to overwhelm. 

Whatever you run to will control you. 

So run towards God. 

Run towards the only One that can satisfy.

Run towards our true Comfort.

Run to the God who saves. 

Run to Him. 

Let Him be all that you need. 

2 Years Of Loved Before Time

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Two years ago I had an idea. I wanted to share what God had been teaching me with a wider audience than just Facebook. I wanted to go deeper. I wanted to be more of the encourager that He called me to be. 

I went back and read the first blog post that I posted here. It was simple, yet it captures so much of my heart. 

Back then I was still reeling after a hard breakup the summer before. It had been a tough year. However looking back it was also the time that God was rebuilding me. My life had been shattered. What God has done since has been healing beyond what I could have imagined, grace like I have never known, hope anchored in His love, and the growth of my relationship with Jesus. 

All of this is hard to put into words. I've used so many on this blog to try and explain it. But sometimes I go to write a post about what He I doing and words fail me. I can't seem to find a way to tell you what is in my heart. It's too messy. Too muddled. Too raw. So I leave it in the draft stage until words come. Sometimes it takes weeks, but when they do come it's so great to write and release them into the blog world. Another assignment down. There's always another one to go. But that is part of the adventure of life with Jesus.

I've prayed about a lot of these posts. I want to type encouraging words, not just words. My prayer is that you would be encouraged and challenged to live life for the One who loved you before time began. Words are easy, living is another challenge all together. 

So today I want to go out and live what I write. I want to live fully alive and fully in love with my Savior. I want to enjoy Him and rest in Him. I want all of my life to be centered on the One who made me and loved me before time began. Let's get out and do it! Let's live loved! It's the best place to be.