A Dormant Season

      

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I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was walking outside. The air was chilly. The seasons were changing. I was scared.

It was fall of 2017. The year had been a hard one of my own making. I had cried and been through so much pain. As the cold weather came, I could feel the cold setting into my heart. Somehow I knew that this wasn't just another change in seasons. It was the beginning of a season that I would look a lot like the world around me. The color would be gone and things would be dormant. And I didn't want to be dormant. I wanted to be made whole.

So I cried. "Lord, I don't want to be here. I want to be full of life again. I don't want this season of dormancy."

He was so calm and gentle with me. He came and spoke the encouragement I needed to hear. "This season will come. Yes it will look like you are dormant, but that is not the full picture. This season will be one of deep healing. I am here with you. Embrace it."

I took a deep breath. I knew He was right. In that moment I surrendered myself to Him and embraced the winter. 

The cold came. The trees dropped their leaves. The world went dormant. Yet in that season, God still walked with me. Even in the hidness and dormancy of winter, God worked healing. 

I praise God that dormant seasons aren't forever. Just as winter comes, spring also comes. He leads us through all seasons for His names sake. He heals broken, surrendered hearts for His glory.

Lord, I come to You afresh today. You have me in this time and place for a purpose. This season is of Your making. I pray that I would be surrendered wholly and completely to You. That I may walk through this season in a way that honors You. Amen. 

In Your Eyes

3 years ago I was in a broken place. When my engagement ended, I thought the tears would never end. I thought the pain would be forever. I thought I had lost it all. I'm so thankful God proved me wrong. 

One of the hard things I had to do in picking up the wreckage was going back to work. But God and my coworkers were so gracious. God comforted me and gave me strength for each new day. My family drove me in most of the time so they could be close for support. My coworkers gave me space and let me cry when I needed to. A true blessing. Slowly God healed what had been broken. 

One day my boss told me that she was so thankful I came back. "It was so sad to see you after the breakup. You looked empty. I was so thankful I got to see Rose come back into your eyes."

It was true. I had lost Rose to get marriage. With that that was off the table, I was left with a shell not sure of who I was. Hurting and broken. 

The amazing thing in all of this is that God never left me. He kept pursuing me. He day by day would restore and heal what had been shattered. He kept renewing me and making me new. 

Today I look back and I can trace His hand of grace and healing. He remade my heart to be more like His. He had Rose come back into my eyes. 

I pray that today when people look into my eyes they see Rose. The Rose that is a reflection of Christ. The Rose that longs for more of the Living God. The Rose that has compassion for the hurting. The Rose that seeks to be a good friend. 

In all of this, He is good. In all of this, He is faithful. In all of this, He works a greater plan than I can imagine. In all of this, He is to be praised. In all of this, He is Holy. In all of this, He is the One who restores what has been lost. He is the One who made Rose come back into my eyes. 

2 Years Of Loved Before Time

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Two years ago I had an idea. I wanted to share what God had been teaching me with a wider audience than just Facebook. I wanted to go deeper. I wanted to be more of the encourager that He called me to be. 

I went back and read the first blog post that I posted here. It was simple, yet it captures so much of my heart. 

Back then I was still reeling after a hard breakup the summer before. It had been a tough year. However looking back it was also the time that God was rebuilding me. My life had been shattered. What God has done since has been healing beyond what I could have imagined, grace like I have never known, hope anchored in His love, and the growth of my relationship with Jesus. 

All of this is hard to put into words. I've used so many on this blog to try and explain it. But sometimes I go to write a post about what He I doing and words fail me. I can't seem to find a way to tell you what is in my heart. It's too messy. Too muddled. Too raw. So I leave it in the draft stage until words come. Sometimes it takes weeks, but when they do come it's so great to write and release them into the blog world. Another assignment down. There's always another one to go. But that is part of the adventure of life with Jesus.

I've prayed about a lot of these posts. I want to type encouraging words, not just words. My prayer is that you would be encouraged and challenged to live life for the One who loved you before time began. Words are easy, living is another challenge all together. 

So today I want to go out and live what I write. I want to live fully alive and fully in love with my Savior. I want to enjoy Him and rest in Him. I want all of my life to be centered on the One who made me and loved me before time began. Let's get out and do it! Let's live loved! It's the best place to be.

Let God Redeem Your Story

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I was going through some notes and found one that simply said you can't redeem your story. Only God can do that. It was dated the fall of 2017. I was dealing with the fallout from the  breakup. I was struggling with so many emotions and mind games. One of the battles I had fought was trying to fix my story. Sitting in the wreckage the temptation was to try and get out of the pain on my own. Fix the problem. Find my own salve for the pain. Write a better ending.

The thing is, only God can write a redemption story. I can't bring about my own healing or restoration. I can't heal myself. But God through the blood of the Son I can be cleansed the sins of my past. The resurrection insures that there is new life. There is healing and redemption, no matter how dark the night. 

I can try to (in my limited understanding and weak capacity) fix my story, but it would never work right. It is only when I hand the pin over that my story can start to be redeemed. For me it didn't happen overnight, but God did it. He has redeemed my story for His glory. My life tells a story of His love, grace, and healing. He has done so much. He has been good to me. He redeemed the story. 

Whatever the wreckage in your life, surrender the pin into the hands of the Master. Let Him redeem your story. He will redeem your story. The joy will be greater than your pain. The redemption will be greater than the wreckage. This is the God we serve. He is able to do far more than we can ask or imagine. So let Him work. Surrender the pin, step back, and see the wonders He unfolds. 

I Thought I Was Over It

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I thought I would be over it by now. I can't tell you how many times this thought has crossed my mind in some form or fashion over the last two and a half years. I'm melting down after a memory got triggered. I thought I would be over the tears after a few months. I see a post on Facebook of a beautiful ring and a smiling couple and I fight Jealousy, depressing thoughts, and envy. I thought I would be over this by now. Someone asks me if I'm married and my heart aches. I thought I would be over this by now. Tears come over the past that I can't change. I thought I would be over this by now. I'm at a wedding and a million thoughts and emotions are coursing through me. I thought I would be doing better than this by now. 

I don't know where I got this picture in my head (maybe too many fun, but misguided movies) but I thought after my breakup that I would recover faster. I thought I would struggle for a few months and then be fine. I would be back to normal. It didn't happen that way. Months afterward I'm crying at anything and everything that brought back memories. After a year I had made huge progress, but I was still struggling with memories and guilt. Two years I had made great progress, but still felt like I had hang ups. Now almost three years later I was in church today fighting a mind battle over things that happened in 2017. And yes I wonder, will I ever get over it? 

I think whether or not we want to admit it healing takes a lot longer then we want it to. Truly resting in Christ's grace and remembering that we are forgiven for EVERYTHING we have ever done takes times. It takes practice to repel the enemies attacks on our soul. It takes practice to bring our tears to God. It takes time and grace to fight the battles of bitterness and unforgiveness. But this I do know from the last two and a half years: God is faithful. His grace is ENOUGH. He is greater than the struggle and the pain. He is with us through every step.

It's easy to think, I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to be this way. This is proof that God isn't who He said He is. It's a lie. God isn't finished. He is working and will work in your life. Just because we don't recover at the same rate they do on Hallmark doesn't mean that God isn't working healing. 

As I look back now I can see God's amazing work in the last few years. He has done so much healing and brought to life more hope than I ever thought possible. Are there days when I still struggle? Yes, but I'm not in the place I was three years ago. For that I am incredibly grateful. 

Reality is that we live in a fallen world. Things take longer than we want. Problems don't go away as fast as we want. Pain hangs on longer than we want. Situations don't change like we want. But there is also grace beyond what we can imagine. There is hope beyond our dreams. There is healing to be found in our Great God. Reach for Him. He will be found. 

For every time that you think to yourself, I thought I would be over this. Remember this, God is more amazing than I can ever imagine. 

My Struggle, Your Struggle

I was doing my workout program the other day. I was in the middle of a stretch and one of the helpful prompts came on. "You shouldn't feel any pain." I smiled to myself It occurred to me that this was how most people respond when I tell them I struggle with being single. "You shouldn't feel that way sweetie. I mean when I was young I didn't even worry about it." "Are you kidding me? Just wait until you have to live with a toddler" "Just think of all that you have. You have no idea all the I go through in a day." "He's probably right around the corner. I mean before I met my husband, I thought it was never going to happen." 

Words like this hurt. Sometimes I know they are trying to help, but I feel like I shared with them a struggle and they essentially said that my struggle isn't valid. 

The thing is, I know we all have a struggle. We all have something we all have something that causes us pain. Something we wish we could change. We pray. We hope. We dream of a better future. Yet day by day it chips away at our hope. It drags our mood down. It makes us want to give up. In our eyes it always seems worse than everyone else's pain. It has to be. I mean I live with it day in and day out. It has to be the worst and baddest thing anyone has ever seen. Maybe then I will get some sympathy. Maybe when I'm the center of attention I will gain acceptance. Maybe just maybe I will find healing.
I know I've been guilty of this. I know that I have caught myself putting own others pain because of my own. I know I have come up with reasons why my pain is worse than hers. I know I have had some really great pity parties trying to find healing or at least trying to dull the pain for a while.

But what if hope for the struggle comes not from making our struggle look worse then others, but in going to the one who can give us unlimited grace FOR the struggle? What if healing comes not when we put others down for their pain, but when we bring our broken hearts to the Healer? 

For me singleness is a struggle. It's not something I chose, but it is a good gift that God has given me. The pain is real, but so is God. This struggle is made to draw me to God and it works. I have to constantly go back to Him and gain peace and strength for the struggle. But He is amazing. He is empowering me to face this struggle with grace and courage. I'm still working on it. I still have so far to go, but Go is bigger than the struggle. He is able to see the pearl that it will create. He can encourage me from the perspective of eternity. He is good His love endure forever.
What is that for you? What is the struggle in your life that God uses to draw you to Him? It's not comfortable or easy, but you can know that in all of this God is working for your good. He cares for you and wants your heart more than anything. In the middle of all of this He will be with you. Keep going to Him. He will satisfy you. He will give you strength. He will give you grace without limit. He will enable you to face that struggle with courage. 

One Day

He spoke the words softly over my soul. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there.

I didn't think this was possible. I was wracked with pain. It was a part of me. Hardly a day went by that I didn't breakdown crying over the past or something I had done. I wondered if I would ever have a day I wouldn't cry. If I would ever be able to look back without pain. If I would ever stop hurting.

This is how it was for so much of this last year. Yet He kept repeating this promise. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there. I tried to think of what that might look like, but for months the pain didn't leave me. It was always there. 

How do wounds fade into scars? Slowly. Day by day the wound stops bleeding. It closes up and new skin forms over the wound. The process of healing is never as quick or easy as we wish. But if we trust God and let Him protect our wounds, they heal. They become scars. 

For me I didn't realize that the worst of my wounds had faded into scars until...

It was May and we were at the park with some friends. Something came up and it triggered a memory. As I started thinking about it. Then it occurred to me that I didn't have the usual pain that this memory normally invoked. It felt odd. Then it hit me. I was reaching for pain that wasn't there. God had done it! He had healed my heart. God did it! He fulfilled His promise. 

Now when those memories come up I try to reach for gratefulness. Gratefulness to God for His love and tender mercy toward me. Gratefulness for the family and friends who stuck with me through the best and the worst. Gratefulness for His plan that wasn't derailed by my poor choices. Gratefulness for the place that I do live and the things I get to enjoy. 

I'm still learning. There are times I still fall into feeling sorry for myself and let the pain take over. There are still times when I feel pain or guilt over the past. It's in these times that God reminds me of the truth. To remember that God paid the price. His wounds healed mine. His grace is enough. He is the One who heals and restores. 

So now these scars bear witness to the fact that I am loved. They are now a cause for gratitude not pain. For that I am so grateful to my loving promise keeping God. 

Tears That Heal

I cried again. For the umpteenth time I wondered when I was going to not cry over the pain of the past? When was I going to be healed? When would it be just a memory? When would it stop producing tears?

Honestly, I was getting mad at myself. I was ready to be done with the tears. I didn't want to be sucked into that pain anymore. 

The thing was, God showed me that those tears weren't pointless. When I cried I never cried alone. He was always there holding me. Those tears worked in me something I couldn't see until recently. They were setting me free. Free from having to live in the pain. They were helping me to let go.

Even though it's been a year there are still times when I cry over the memories and pain. But I don't cry as much and I don't get frustrated with the tears. I see now (sometimes through tear-filled eyes) that the tears accomplish much.

The more amazing thing is that God never gets frustrated with my tears. So many times when I'm crying in His arms, I hear His tender voice. "You are loved. I'm here. I will never leave you. You are my beloved. I've cried tears over loss and pain too. I'm here for you." 

This is the soothing balm to my soul. It heals me. Almost like my tears clean the dirt out of the wound and His love covers it. He is so good and gracious. Even when I cry.  

I Want Limelight!

I came home and started spilling all my feelings to Sarah. I felt so bad. 

I had spent the whole evening at the church part worshipping God, part wishing that I could run to the front during testimony time and tell everyone the whole story of what had happened to me this past year. I wanted the attention. I wanted people to know. I decided against this, but I was frustrated with myself.

Hence why I was talking to Sarah. I felt bad that I had wanted all the attention. I wanted the eyes to be on me. I wanted people to know the pain that I had and in some ways was still going through. In some way to scream out "I'm still here!"

Sarah is so wise. She looked at me and with a knowing smile put her finger on exactly what was going on. "Rose for a year you had people following your romance and were so excited for you. You had a whole group of fans. Then when things went downhill they turned into encouragers. You had a lot of people following your healing and encouraging you. But you've had a few good months. People have moved on. Not in a bad way, it's life. Now you're suffering from the lack of attention."

She was so right. It highlighted something in me that I hadn't given much thought to. I like limelight. I don't mind being center stage. I'm an extrovert and enjoy people. I enjoyed my mini rise to Facebook fandom. 

But God chose a different path for healing. He didn't have me post every detail on Facebook. He didn't place me on a stage where I would tearfully tell about what God had done to heal me that week. He didn't have me write an autobiography about the last year. 

He chose a different way. He hid me. In the everyday of normal life, He healed me. But it wasn't amazing or eye catching. In fact it doesn't make for a great or amazing story. It has been a slow and many times painful process. But in this hidness and silence is where He healed me. In the times when I couldn't give a voice to my inner feelings He worked deeper healing than I could have imagined. 

Now I realize that I don't need the limelight. I don't need a stage. I don't need everyone to know my side of the story. 

I do need to remember that God knows and sees me. Even if no one else sees the battle, He knows it all and will be with me. He is the One who will ultimately reward me. I do need friends who listen and help me process feelings and memories in a Godly way. Fortunately God blessed me with a few people who have stuck with me and listened to me through it all. I do need to be more interested in Gods glory than getting in my 2 cents worth. 

I will admit, there are still times that I want to get up in front of a crowd and get attention. But God is showing me that it's not in front of crowd that we get love or healing. It's in the hidness. When we let God into the secret place He comes in and gives us something much better than applause. He gives us healing, love, and redemption. He satisfies our soul. That is a gift that no limelight can campare to.