I had spent the whole evening at the church part worshipping God, part wishing that I could run to the front during testimony time and tell everyone the whole story of what had happened to me this past year. I wanted the attention. I wanted people to know. I decided against this, but I was frustrated with myself.
Hence why I was talking to Sarah. I felt bad that I had wanted all the attention. I wanted the eyes to be on me. I wanted people to know the pain that I had and in some ways was still going through. In some way to scream out "I'm still here!"
Sarah is so wise. She looked at me and with a knowing smile put her finger on exactly what was going on. "Rose for a year you had people following your romance and were so excited for you. You had a whole group of fans. Then when things went downhill they turned into encouragers. You had a lot of people following your healing and encouraging you. But you've had a few good months. People have moved on. Not in a bad way, it's life. Now you're suffering from the lack of attention."
She was so right. It highlighted something in me that I hadn't given much thought to. I like limelight. I don't mind being center stage. I'm an extrovert and enjoy people. I enjoyed my mini rise to Facebook fandom.
But God chose a different path for healing. He didn't have me post every detail on Facebook. He didn't place me on a stage where I would tearfully tell about what God had done to heal me that week. He didn't have me write an autobiography about the last year.
He chose a different way. He hid me. In the everyday of normal life, He healed me. But it wasn't amazing or eye catching. In fact it doesn't make for a great or amazing story. It has been a slow and many times painful process. But in this hidness and silence is where He healed me. In the times when I couldn't give a voice to my inner feelings He worked deeper healing than I could have imagined.
Now I realize that I don't need the limelight. I don't need a stage. I don't need everyone to know my side of the story.
I do need to remember that God knows and sees me. Even if no one else sees the battle, He knows it all and will be with me. He is the One who will ultimately reward me. I do need friends who listen and help me process feelings and memories in a Godly way. Fortunately God blessed me with a few people who have stuck with me and listened to me through it all. I do need to be more interested in Gods glory than getting in my 2 cents worth.
I will admit, there are still times that I want to get up in front of a crowd and get attention. But God is showing me that it's not in front of crowd that we get love or healing. It's in the hidness. When we let God into the secret place He comes in and gives us something much better than applause. He gives us healing, love, and redemption. He satisfies our soul. That is a gift that no limelight can campare to.
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