Bringing It To Him

Last fall I was very restless. I couldn't escape the feeling of wanting to do something different. I wanted to take on a new adventure. 

The thing was no matter how hard I tried, no new adventure came. No new doors opened. Monthes passed and still nothing. I was getting very frustrated. One day I went out walking and talking to God. I told Him I was frustrated with life. I told Him I had tried everything, but this restless feeling persisted. When I finished and started listening He spoke. He told me that I would rather take on a new adventure than stay and deal with pain of still being single. Ouch! That one hurt to hear. 

Honestly I didn't want to deal with the pain of being single. The pain of unfulfilled longing. Anytime it came to the surface, I had surpressed it. I thought it was wrong to want anything else besides God. So when the longing for marriage would come up, I would feel guilty because I wasn't desiring God. I would try to shove it down. The thing was I did (and still do) desire a Godly marriage. And trying to deal with the pain of disappointment and honest desire was scary. My approach of acting like it wasn't there wasn't working. 

So I went to a Godly woman in our church and asked for counsel. She didn't deny my desire or my pain. She encouraged me instead to take it to Christ. Instead of feeling guilty and running from Christ, to take my pain to Christ. 

This was a game changer for me. I started coming to Christ with my pain and disappointment. I started bringing Him my longing and desire. He is such a good God. When I come to Him with tears for what I long to have, He comforts me. He reminds me that I am not alone. He reminds me of who I am in Him. He reminds me that He too lived through singleness and longing to be united to His bride. He reminds me of His faithfulness. He reminds me of His love. He reminds me of the mission for here and now. 

I'm still in the learning process. I'm still learning to bring Him all the feelings of longing and disappiontment. I'm still learning to receive the comfort and peace He freely gives. But He is so tender and patient. He keeps loving me and working through all of it. 

Whatever you are going through, bring it to God. You may not know how to deal with it, but He does. He knows what you need. He will be the best comfort and encouragement you will ever know. 

One Day

He spoke the words softly over my soul. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there.

I didn't think this was possible. I was wracked with pain. It was a part of me. Hardly a day went by that I didn't breakdown crying over the past or something I had done. I wondered if I would ever have a day I wouldn't cry. If I would ever be able to look back without pain. If I would ever stop hurting.

This is how it was for so much of this last year. Yet He kept repeating this promise. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there. I tried to think of what that might look like, but for months the pain didn't leave me. It was always there. 

How do wounds fade into scars? Slowly. Day by day the wound stops bleeding. It closes up and new skin forms over the wound. The process of healing is never as quick or easy as we wish. But if we trust God and let Him protect our wounds, they heal. They become scars. 

For me I didn't realize that the worst of my wounds had faded into scars until...

It was May and we were at the park with some friends. Something came up and it triggered a memory. As I started thinking about it. Then it occurred to me that I didn't have the usual pain that this memory normally invoked. It felt odd. Then it hit me. I was reaching for pain that wasn't there. God had done it! He had healed my heart. God did it! He fulfilled His promise. 

Now when those memories come up I try to reach for gratefulness. Gratefulness to God for His love and tender mercy toward me. Gratefulness for the family and friends who stuck with me through the best and the worst. Gratefulness for His plan that wasn't derailed by my poor choices. Gratefulness for the place that I do live and the things I get to enjoy. 

I'm still learning. There are times I still fall into feeling sorry for myself and let the pain take over. There are still times when I feel pain or guilt over the past. It's in these times that God reminds me of the truth. To remember that God paid the price. His wounds healed mine. His grace is enough. He is the One who heals and restores. 

So now these scars bear witness to the fact that I am loved. They are now a cause for gratitude not pain. For that I am so grateful to my loving promise keeping God. 

Tears That Heal

I cried again. For the umpteenth time I wondered when I was going to not cry over the pain of the past? When was I going to be healed? When would it be just a memory? When would it stop producing tears?

Honestly, I was getting mad at myself. I was ready to be done with the tears. I didn't want to be sucked into that pain anymore. 

The thing was, God showed me that those tears weren't pointless. When I cried I never cried alone. He was always there holding me. Those tears worked in me something I couldn't see until recently. They were setting me free. Free from having to live in the pain. They were helping me to let go.

Even though it's been a year there are still times when I cry over the memories and pain. But I don't cry as much and I don't get frustrated with the tears. I see now (sometimes through tear-filled eyes) that the tears accomplish much.

The more amazing thing is that God never gets frustrated with my tears. So many times when I'm crying in His arms, I hear His tender voice. "You are loved. I'm here. I will never leave you. You are my beloved. I've cried tears over loss and pain too. I'm here for you." 

This is the soothing balm to my soul. It heals me. Almost like my tears clean the dirt out of the wound and His love covers it. He is so good and gracious. Even when I cry.