The Weight Of Years

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Today marks 4 years since I was asked out on date. Almost 3 and 1/2 years since I broke up with the same guy who asked me out. 

In 2021 it will have been 10 years since I made my wedding dress. There was no guy in the picture at the time, but I wanted to make an elaborate dress and I knew that I didn't want to wait until wedding crunch time. So I sewed, embroidered, and finished my dress. I packed it away for a day that I hoped wasn't far away. 

Now as I stand here years later I feel the weight of those years. I feel the time that has passed. The dreams that have been collecting dust. The hope deferred. The disappointments. 

It is so tempting when I feel the weight of years to let it drive me into self focus and discouragement. To let my gaze drift down to the pain. But praise God, there is another option. When I feel the weight of years pressing down on me, I can choose to transfer that weight onto Christ. With all the years of the Lord being faithful, it has built a support beam that holds that weight perfectly. Any time that the pressure to cave starts to press down, I can transfer the weight onto the beam of faithfulness. With all that we have walked through together, I know that it can hold the weight of whatever I am facing. 

Even in the things that break me down and make me feel like quitting, God supports the weight of years. So instead of crushing me, the weight is lifted off of me. As I turn my gaze to His faithfulness, the weight slips off my shoulders. It becomes yet another part of my journey with Him. One where He sustains me and dances with me. 

So the next time I begin to feel the pressure, I can by the grace of God transfer the weight and dance free. I can let it become part of my story, not pressure that makes me cave into selfishness. 

Yet again something that could break me becomes a testimony of God's grace and love in my life. And I am grateful. 

Soundbite Or Symphony

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At Thanksgiving my extended family gets together at my great aunts house for dinner. It's always a fun time to catch up with relatives that we only see once a year.
Last Thanksgiving I was feeling a little insecure. I had recently left my daycare job and was waiting to hear back from the preschool that I wanted to get hired at. I still didn't have a boyfriend. Nothing had really changed in my life since 2017. At least not on the surface. Essentially when people would ask me how I was doing I feel like the answer would come out something like this, "Well, I'm currently unemployed, single, and I no idea what next year will look like." I mean I still have a great family and a good life, but at that moment I felt like compared to so many of my cousins who have spouses and amazing careers my life wan't making a good soundbite.
On the car trip home I was talking to God. I felt like I had fallen short. Yet God had a different perspective.  "Your life isn't meant to be lived for the soundbites. It's meant to be lived for the symphony. The life that you live creates a symphony for Me." It was then I started to hear it. The symphony that God was writing. The notes that only I perceive. The seemly random "instruments" that come together to make a beautiful whole. The lower notes that add a richness to the whole and the high notes that spur me on.
No one writes a symphony better than God. While my life may not always sound the bet when I condense it into ten seconds, God is always making a good symphony. If I look back on the whole and listen I can hear it. I can hear they beautiful strain of His story. I can hear my little part in it and smile.
So I can go on, knowing that He is creating a symphony that no soundbite can due justice to.