A Dormant Season

      

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I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was walking outside. The air was chilly. The seasons were changing. I was scared.

It was fall of 2017. The year had been a hard one of my own making. I had cried and been through so much pain. As the cold weather came, I could feel the cold setting into my heart. Somehow I knew that this wasn't just another change in seasons. It was the beginning of a season that I would look a lot like the world around me. The color would be gone and things would be dormant. And I didn't want to be dormant. I wanted to be made whole.

So I cried. "Lord, I don't want to be here. I want to be full of life again. I don't want this season of dormancy."

He was so calm and gentle with me. He came and spoke the encouragement I needed to hear. "This season will come. Yes it will look like you are dormant, but that is not the full picture. This season will be one of deep healing. I am here with you. Embrace it."

I took a deep breath. I knew He was right. In that moment I surrendered myself to Him and embraced the winter. 

The cold came. The trees dropped their leaves. The world went dormant. Yet in that season, God still walked with me. Even in the hidness and dormancy of winter, God worked healing. 

I praise God that dormant seasons aren't forever. Just as winter comes, spring also comes. He leads us through all seasons for His names sake. He heals broken, surrendered hearts for His glory.

Lord, I come to You afresh today. You have me in this time and place for a purpose. This season is of Your making. I pray that I would be surrendered wholly and completely to You. That I may walk through this season in a way that honors You. Amen. 

I Was Afraid

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I stood at the window gripping the window frame. Trying to find something firm to hold on to. 

I was scared. I could feel God tugging at my heart. He was asking me to not hold back my love for a friend. He was asking me to trust.

"Lord, I can't. What if she rejects the part of my heart that I offer? What if I'm left with this huge hole in my heart and end up empty? What if..." I had loved before. I had held nothing back. I had given all. Then I had been hurt and rejected. I had been misunderstood and left feeling empty. I couldn't do that again. 

His loving voice broke into my fears. "Entrust yourself to Me first. Give me your heart. Then hold nothing back from your friend. She needs to know your heart." 

I gripped the window a little tighter and took in a deep breath. Slowly I let it out and released the control. I let down the wall that I had built out of fear. 

I began to share my heart with my friend. I released my heart to God first and then into her hands. 

What I found was love and acceptance. Instead of running away, she came closer. Instead of moving away, she moved in for a hug. Instead of being empty, I was made whole by heavenly hands reaching out through a friend. 

Fear will keep me away from others. Love will draw me to them to pour out the love that has been given to me. I can never pour out more than God has poured out on me. It's in entrusting myself to Him that I find freedom to love lavishly, fully, and graciously. Just like He does. Even if my love is rejected, I can trust that God will always be enough for the lack that people leave.

So today I want to love well holding nothing back. Because I am in Christs loving care, I am safe to love others. In Him I am loved, safe, and always wanted. Praise be to His Matchless Name.

A Faith That Remains

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I came to Christ at 12. The devil said, "Ha, we will plant the seeds of legalism and focus on what she isn't doing. It will destroy her faith." Even though I walked through a tough season, Christ stepped in. He brought the truth of His amazing love into my heart and set me free.

I went through a season of growth and walking with God. The devil said, "We need to discourage her with the friends that are leaving her and the people who don't believe in her." But God kept giving me connections with true believers and encouragement to continue on.

I was being used by God to serve others. "Plant enough bad thoughts to render her ineffective." I kept singing. I kept serving. I did for a while anyway.

Then I began to believe I was entitled to marriage and bitter that God wasn't giving it to me. Then a guy came into my life who was all wrong for me. I left the straight and narrow and followed the infatuation of my own heart. "Finally!" the devil said. "Now we can destroy her faith as she pursues her idol."

But God stepped in. He demolished my idol and broke me free from its hold. The breaking of Rose was hard, but it became the means by which God remade me, "This time we can destroy her with bitterness, hate, guilt, and shame. She will be so beat down she will never rise." But the Lord worked in my heart. Day by day, I started to look a little more like Christ. Day by day, Christ replaced the hate and guilt with grace and love. He has given me beauty for ashes. I am redeemed. He healed me.

Throughout my life Satan has sought to destroy my faith. He has used the hard things in my life to whisper lies and try to make me give up. But God has never stopped pursuing me. He keeps redeeming my story and working in my heart. I've never been in this battle alone. He has always won in my life. 

This is my story. This is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long. May I continue for His honor and glory always.

Anointed

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Mary poured fragrant oil on Jesus. Nothing held back.
As shocking and wasteful as this scene appeared to the disciples and dinner guests, Jesus accepted and loved beautiful lavish gift. He smiled at the heart that didn't hold back.
This is how I want my life in Christ to look. Poured out at His feet in loving devotion. This is where I am whole and complete. Where I hold nothing back. 
What does this look like? It looks like me getting lost in worship. It looks like me spending time with Jesus without needing anything in return. It looks like giving away something I could use to help someone else.   
Lord, let my life we wholly Yours poured out at Your feet. 

Jesus Cleanses

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He's just come into Jerusalem on a donkey. The people have received Him gladly. Jesus goes into the temple and proceeds to forcibly clean out all those who were buying and selling. Unapologetically He uses His authority to clean out a den of robbers.
At first this Jesus is harder for me to comprehend. It's easy to think of Him riding on a donkey happily going into Jerusalem. It's harder to picture Jesus whipping people out of the temple and throwing tables over.
But what if this was yet another expression of His love? What if He was revealing how much He hates the sin in our lives and how much it damages and destroys the very places where we are meant to worship Him? What if the only way to bring us back is to forcibly kick out the junk we have allowed in? What if through this dramatic demonstration He is showing us that we must be cleansed from the inside out in order for us to enter a right relationship with Him?
Jesus is not only the God of peace, rest, and tender care, He is also the God of fierce jealousy, awe-inspiring power, and incredible majesty. God is greater than we can imagine. He is more than we can wrap our brains around. Yet He calls us into relationship with Him. A relationship that we are called to take up our cross and follow Him.
This journey is not for the faint of heart. This is for those who swear to follow Him no matter the cost. This is for those who will be with Him in the moments of happy triumphal entry and an uncomfortable and hard cleaning out of the temple. This is who He is. This is the road He has called us to. Will we follow Him through all the ups and downs and times that we don't understand? Or will we take the easy way of the crowd and only hang around so long as it benefits me?
The choice is yours. The choice is mine. I choose to follow Him. What have you chosen?   

Christ Is Here!

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This Christmas God has been reminding me of how far His incredible love will go to redeem us. 

He chose the lowest of the low. He came to poor people who were busy just trying to make it through that day. He calmed their fears. He worked even through their trembling. He empowered them to play their part. He protected them and lead them.

This gives me great comfort for today. As I face fears, temptations, and struggles I am comforted that God will be with me too. He is alive! He conquered death itself. There is nothing He can't do. 

He can come into the middle of my day filled with business and a million things that threatened to pull me away from God. Just as He did for Mary, Joseph, and so many others He calms my fears. He gives me my mission. He empowers me every step of the way. 

This Christmas I encourage you to remember that God is alive. His love is so great that it has spanned before time began, went to a bloody cross, rose again, and today lives inside of all who believe in His name. This is a precious and costly gift. Let us always give thanks to the Giver. 

Define Good

When is God good?

When is He good to me?

Is He only good when I get a guy?

Is He only good when life is going my way?

Is He only good when I get the raise?

Is He only good when traffic is easy?

Is He only good when my family and I are getting along?

Is He only good when I said the right thing in small group?

Is He only good when I get what I want?

What if we started defining good by God's terms instead of ours?

Isn't He still good when I'm sitting at yet another friends wedding?

Isn't He still good when I'm desiring something that I can't have right now?

Isn't He still good when I am scrolling through Facebook and a friend's newborn baby pictures?

Isn't He still good when I have tears streaming down my cheeks?

Isn't He still good on that hard commute?

Isn't He still good when I am feeling down?

Isn't He still good when I had a bad day at work?

What if I started in all these things I defined good by who God is, not by my circumstances or relationship status? Things change, but God never does. He is still all-powerful. He is still sovereign. He is still faithful. He is still loving. He is still kind. He is still good. His purposes for me have not changed. He is working for His glory and my good. It may not always feel good, but because God is good He has chosen to work inside me to work good in me.

Choosing to Celebrate

Honestly.... last week I was tossing in my bed worrying. I realized that Valentines Day was coming up. And what was I going to do? I was worried about how I would handle the 14th. It seemed like so much was reminding me of what I wish was mine. I didn't want it to become a pity party, but I felt like I was heading there.
But then a friend sent me a link to this article. https://www.incourage.me/2019/02/i-dare-you-buy-the-flowers.html.
It gave me pause. Hearing someone else confirm that the pain is real, but there's also joy in this season.
It occurred to me that I had a choice.
I could read everyone's Facebook posts and have a pity party, or I could celebrate what God is doing here and now. I could celebrate the love He has given me. I could celebrate the good gifts He has given me. I could switch the focus back where it belongs. I can focus on the Perfect and Holy One. The One who is my Redeemer. The One who is my life and love. That is worth a celebration.
Will you join me? Celebrate what God is doing in your life. Shout it out. Celebrate His love and faithfulness. Enjoy His gifts. Revel in His care. Let's do this!

The Wedding

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Last month I went to a wedding of a friend. Confession time: I normally don't wear make up to these events but that day I did. Why? There were going to be a lot of people there that I hadn't seen in 5 years and I wanted to look good. And I was feeling insecure. 

Honestly weddings are still a little tough. I enjoyed the ceremony and was excited for the couple. The reception was tough. Talking with ladies younger than me that were married and answering questions about my own life. It was tough. Answering the do you have a boyfriend question is rough for me. It brought up the pain of longing and reminded me of the place I want filled. I was starting to fill very sorry for myself. 

But God didn't let me turn the reception into a pity party. He sent me a lady with the words I needed to hear. She asked me what I had done in the last five years, if I had a boyfriend, and how life was going for me. I told her that God had been very good to me. I was working the same job. No boyfriend on the horizon. Still loving my family and friends. 

She looked at me and said, "that is so great Rose. You haven't changed a bit. You are still loving God and living out your faith." She kept talking, but my eyes welled up with tears. Here I was looking at myself through a lense of my singleness and hurt. Here she was looking at me through the lense of what God was still doing in me. 

It changed my whole perspective on the evening. Maybe I hadn't found a boyfriend, maybe I hadn't built up an amazing career, maybe I still had a lot of unfulfilled dreams, but that doesn't change the fact that God has never left me. He is still here. He is working. He is still loving me. 

In the end that's all that really matters. He is the center of our story. He is the light of the world. He is all that we need. He is the Redeemer of the story. 

Is it hard to believe that when I look around and it feels like everyone else is getting married? Yes. Is it hard to remember that He is all I need when I feel that longing for a relationship? Yes. Do any of my feelings change who He is? No! 

Ultimately He never changes. He will be my constant One. The Lover of my soul. My Rock and Redeemer. He is all Sufficient. He is all that is good. 

Now when I think back to that evening, I thank God. I am so thankful that God never left me to myself, but let me be a testimony to His grace. He crashed my pity party with perspective. For that I am grateful. 

Have you ever had God crash a pity party with perspective? I'd like to hear about it. Drop me a comment below. 

1 Year Ago Today

It was a call that I both dreaded and wanted to get. The voice of my fiancé came in very clear over the phone.

“I think that the best thing that we can do is to break off the engagement.” And with those words my last shred of hope that we could save the relationship broke into a thousand pieces. I broke down into tears. He continued talking, but it was hard to hear him over the scream of my pain. 

And you know something? That seems like forever ago. As I write this it has been one year since that conversation. As I look back on the last year it is hard to believe all that God has done. 

Healing hasn’t looked anything like I thought it would. There have been times when I wondered if there would ever be a day when I wouldn’t cry. If I would ever feel whole. If I would ever recover. 

Reconciliation hasn’t been like I thought it would. I made a lot of mistakes. I caused those I love a lot of pain. Full reconciliation took time and work. 

Resuming “normal life” was more difficult. Things like work and chores were harder to focus on with a broken heart. 

But the Gospel shines brighter to me now more then ever. The truth that Christ came down, lived a perfect life, died in the place that I deserved, and rose again victorious over the worst sins in my life has become so precious to me. His love and grace for my worst failure and tenderly healing me every day since has saved me from despair and bitterness. Satan wanted to destroy my soul, but God stepped in and redeemed the situation for His glory. In this scary and hard process God also refined my character to make me more like Him. 

Have I arrived at complete healing yet? No. Sadly there are still things that make me cry, and there are parts of my heart that are tender to the touch. But I praise God that my heart is more tender to His touch. I praise God that He gave me the grace I needed for every moment. I praise God for every person who loved me through everything this last year. I praise God for all that He has done in my life. I praise God that I wasn’t destroyed by bitterness, guilt, shame, hurt, sin, or disappointment. There have been many fierce battles against these and many setbacks, but God has given me the tools to fight them and the strength to endure. I praise God that He has placed me where I need to be to serve Him. 

And I’m so glad that I got my blogging voice back. For years I had been too busy to write on a blog consistently. Then with everything that happened, there was part of me that wanted to share this with all of you right away. But God kept whispering to me that it wasn’t the right time. That I needed to wait. So I did. I waited until He nudged me forward. 

Over the next few months (as God leads) I hope to open up and share with you what God has done for me in the last year. 

I’m still a work in progress. I still have so much to learn. But my hope is that sharing with you will encourage you to live ever more fully for Him. That you will be emboldened to live the life that God has for you. It may be more challenging than you think. But life in Him is always worth the price you pay to get there. So let's go for it, shall we?

In 5 Years

Today I had a very sad moment. I was chatting with an old friend. We used to use this ancient form of communication called email and excanged a few emails way back. We would encourage each other and talk about our lives. Then we had lost touch for awhile. Like a few years. Recently we reconnected and were catching up. Today saddened me. I realized that the person she had become was one that was marked by pain, bad choices, and trying to prove that she's doing alright. 

I came away from the conversation sad because it's not what I want to become. 

I want to become a person who is marked by her radical love for God and others. I want to become a strong encourager of the Church and someone that is a blessing to those around her. I want to become the person that God wants me to be.  

But how do I get there? How do I look back five years from now and be closer to that goal? How do I become the person that God destined me to be? 

You do it the same way you build a house. One part at a time. One day at a time. No one wakes up one day and becomes an evil person. You do it in stages. You entertain bad thoughts. You make a compromise. And it starts a downward spiral. The opposite is also true. If you fight the flesh, live radically for God, and do what He sets before you, you will build a life that honors God. Even if you have made mistakes in the past, they don't have to determine your future. Because of Gods amazing grace we have the ability to build a life that honors God and lives out radical love to a hurting world. 

Today and everyday I want to chose to live life Gods way. I want to look back in five years and be thanking God for all that He has done, for the person that He has made me into. 

Let's see what Happens when we put 5 years of these days together.