A Dormant Season

      

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I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was walking outside. The air was chilly. The seasons were changing. I was scared.

It was fall of 2017. The year had been a hard one of my own making. I had cried and been through so much pain. As the cold weather came, I could feel the cold setting into my heart. Somehow I knew that this wasn't just another change in seasons. It was the beginning of a season that I would look a lot like the world around me. The color would be gone and things would be dormant. And I didn't want to be dormant. I wanted to be made whole.

So I cried. "Lord, I don't want to be here. I want to be full of life again. I don't want this season of dormancy."

He was so calm and gentle with me. He came and spoke the encouragement I needed to hear. "This season will come. Yes it will look like you are dormant, but that is not the full picture. This season will be one of deep healing. I am here with you. Embrace it."

I took a deep breath. I knew He was right. In that moment I surrendered myself to Him and embraced the winter. 

The cold came. The trees dropped their leaves. The world went dormant. Yet in that season, God still walked with me. Even in the hidness and dormancy of winter, God worked healing. 

I praise God that dormant seasons aren't forever. Just as winter comes, spring also comes. He leads us through all seasons for His names sake. He heals broken, surrendered hearts for His glory.

Lord, I come to You afresh today. You have me in this time and place for a purpose. This season is of Your making. I pray that I would be surrendered wholly and completely to You. That I may walk through this season in a way that honors You. Amen. 

Where I'm At

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Sometimes you have to start with where you are.
Sometimes you have to stop making excuses.
Sometimes you have to simply own up to the facts.
Sometimes you need to own where you are.
Why?
So that you can get to where you need to be.
So you can move past what is slowing you down.
So that you can remember how you got here.
So that you can be reminded whos you are.
You are in Christ.
You are chosen.
You are redeemed.
You have purpose.
You have so many reasons to walk forward.
If today you are struggling with where you are.
If today you want to change.
If today you can't see a way from where you are to where you want to be, there is hope.
There is hope for a better tomorrow.
There is a better place.
There is a life beyond words waiting to be unwrapped.
Come to God.
Start with where you are.
Let Him unfold the path to where you want to be.

I Thought I Was Over It

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I thought I would be over it by now. I can't tell you how many times this thought has crossed my mind in some form or fashion over the last two and a half years. I'm melting down after a memory got triggered. I thought I would be over the tears after a few months. I see a post on Facebook of a beautiful ring and a smiling couple and I fight Jealousy, depressing thoughts, and envy. I thought I would be over this by now. Someone asks me if I'm married and my heart aches. I thought I would be over this by now. Tears come over the past that I can't change. I thought I would be over this by now. I'm at a wedding and a million thoughts and emotions are coursing through me. I thought I would be doing better than this by now. 

I don't know where I got this picture in my head (maybe too many fun, but misguided movies) but I thought after my breakup that I would recover faster. I thought I would struggle for a few months and then be fine. I would be back to normal. It didn't happen that way. Months afterward I'm crying at anything and everything that brought back memories. After a year I had made huge progress, but I was still struggling with memories and guilt. Two years I had made great progress, but still felt like I had hang ups. Now almost three years later I was in church today fighting a mind battle over things that happened in 2017. And yes I wonder, will I ever get over it? 

I think whether or not we want to admit it healing takes a lot longer then we want it to. Truly resting in Christ's grace and remembering that we are forgiven for EVERYTHING we have ever done takes times. It takes practice to repel the enemies attacks on our soul. It takes practice to bring our tears to God. It takes time and grace to fight the battles of bitterness and unforgiveness. But this I do know from the last two and a half years: God is faithful. His grace is ENOUGH. He is greater than the struggle and the pain. He is with us through every step.

It's easy to think, I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to be this way. This is proof that God isn't who He said He is. It's a lie. God isn't finished. He is working and will work in your life. Just because we don't recover at the same rate they do on Hallmark doesn't mean that God isn't working healing. 

As I look back now I can see God's amazing work in the last few years. He has done so much healing and brought to life more hope than I ever thought possible. Are there days when I still struggle? Yes, but I'm not in the place I was three years ago. For that I am incredibly grateful. 

Reality is that we live in a fallen world. Things take longer than we want. Problems don't go away as fast as we want. Pain hangs on longer than we want. Situations don't change like we want. But there is also grace beyond what we can imagine. There is hope beyond our dreams. There is healing to be found in our Great God. Reach for Him. He will be found. 

For every time that you think to yourself, I thought I would be over this. Remember this, God is more amazing than I can ever imagine. 

1 Year Ago Today

It was a call that I both dreaded and wanted to get. The voice of my fiancé came in very clear over the phone.

“I think that the best thing that we can do is to break off the engagement.” And with those words my last shred of hope that we could save the relationship broke into a thousand pieces. I broke down into tears. He continued talking, but it was hard to hear him over the scream of my pain. 

And you know something? That seems like forever ago. As I write this it has been one year since that conversation. As I look back on the last year it is hard to believe all that God has done. 

Healing hasn’t looked anything like I thought it would. There have been times when I wondered if there would ever be a day when I wouldn’t cry. If I would ever feel whole. If I would ever recover. 

Reconciliation hasn’t been like I thought it would. I made a lot of mistakes. I caused those I love a lot of pain. Full reconciliation took time and work. 

Resuming “normal life” was more difficult. Things like work and chores were harder to focus on with a broken heart. 

But the Gospel shines brighter to me now more then ever. The truth that Christ came down, lived a perfect life, died in the place that I deserved, and rose again victorious over the worst sins in my life has become so precious to me. His love and grace for my worst failure and tenderly healing me every day since has saved me from despair and bitterness. Satan wanted to destroy my soul, but God stepped in and redeemed the situation for His glory. In this scary and hard process God also refined my character to make me more like Him. 

Have I arrived at complete healing yet? No. Sadly there are still things that make me cry, and there are parts of my heart that are tender to the touch. But I praise God that my heart is more tender to His touch. I praise God that He gave me the grace I needed for every moment. I praise God for every person who loved me through everything this last year. I praise God for all that He has done in my life. I praise God that I wasn’t destroyed by bitterness, guilt, shame, hurt, sin, or disappointment. There have been many fierce battles against these and many setbacks, but God has given me the tools to fight them and the strength to endure. I praise God that He has placed me where I need to be to serve Him. 

And I’m so glad that I got my blogging voice back. For years I had been too busy to write on a blog consistently. Then with everything that happened, there was part of me that wanted to share this with all of you right away. But God kept whispering to me that it wasn’t the right time. That I needed to wait. So I did. I waited until He nudged me forward. 

Over the next few months (as God leads) I hope to open up and share with you what God has done for me in the last year. 

I’m still a work in progress. I still have so much to learn. But my hope is that sharing with you will encourage you to live ever more fully for Him. That you will be emboldened to live the life that God has for you. It may be more challenging than you think. But life in Him is always worth the price you pay to get there. So let's go for it, shall we?

Waffles and Grace

This morning I had the best of intentions. I was going to make breakfast for my family. I pulled down the waffle maker and started mixing the batter. Then it started smelling like someone was  Burning chocolate in the kitchen. I opened the waffle maker to see that something had been left inside and was now smelling up the whole kitchen. My mom suggested that I stopped using that waffle maker and get the other one. So I did. Then as I was using that waffle maker it stuck to the sides instead of making into waffles. As I was trying to clean up that mess and start over my mom came in and offered to make me some pancakes and to clean up the mess. She knew I had to go to work today and  didn't want me to be late.
Not only that but she made me a pancake in the shape of a bear face. The gesture warmed my heart. It was such a Grace to me. She could have left me to clean up the mess by myself and be late for work, but instead she chose to come in make a great breakfast clean up the mess I had made and show me just how much she cares.
We have all at one time or another received this kind of Grace from God. He comes in and finds us in the middle of making a mess of our lives, our emotions, or our soul. And He gently takes us in His arms and offers to clean up the mess and to make us whole. We can choose how we respond. We can respond by shoving Him away and saying that we can clean it up on our own or we can accept His gracious offer and start to live the life that He designed. It's not easy and it means surrendering your rights to do it your way, but the fruits of doing it God's way are so worth it. Trust Him oh my soul. Trust Him with the mess that you find yourself in. And He will turn it into the greatest evidence of Grace in your life.