When You Feel Like You've Blown It

I was reading a book that was encouraging young women not to give their hearts away. Something I am whole heartedly in favor of. 
However for me, statements like this make me sad. I feel like I already gave my heart away to the wrong guy. When I had to take it back it was broken in a million pieces. I feel like I've blown it. I can't undo the past. I can't make my heart new again.  

But God is gracious. He knew that this would happen. He knew I would give my heart to someone who wouldn't keep it. He knew that I couldn't deal with the heartbreak alone. 
So when my heart was broken and I had royally messed up, He came to me. He loved on me. He stood with me every day, comforting me. He covered me with His blood. He forgave me. He picked up the jagged pieces of my heart and reshaped them. He worked healing. He restored my soul. 

Do I wish I could go back in time and take my heart back before it got broken? Oh yes. But praise be to God that He works in us no matter how badly we have blown it. He works healing and restoration in the most broken places of our hearts.

There are things that I will always struggle with and scars that will always be with me. There is damage that I've done that I can't undo. Sadly. But praise God I don't have to live in the guilt and pain. I can have forgiveness even for my worst failures. 

Do you feel like you've blown it? Do you feel like you gave your heart away to the wrong person? Don't give up. Seek God again. Bring Him that hurt and brokenness and let Him work in you wonders that can't be put into words. Let Him fill you again. Let His grace redeem your story. 

No matter where you are, always seek God. He is the will always redeem that which you entrust to Him. 

He Came

This year I've been coming back to a simple truth. God gave the gift of Himself in the form of a baby. 
The God of the universe came into the world He created. He came to save us. He came to redeem us. He came to love us. He died in our place and rose again. 
That is our God. He is beyond our understanding and yet He choose to reveal Himself to us. 
I praise His name. For His is good and His love endures forever. May all praise be to His name. 
As we have been loved, let us love.

The Wedding

Morgan Sessions Photography 

Last month I went to a wedding of a friend. Confession time: I normally don't wear make up to these events but that day I did. Why? There were going to be a lot of people there that I hadn't seen in 5 years and I wanted to look good. And I was feeling insecure. 

Honestly weddings are still a little tough. I enjoyed the ceremony and was excited for the couple. The reception was tough. Talking with ladies younger than me that were married and answering questions about my own life. It was tough. Answering the do you have a boyfriend question is rough for me. It brought up the pain of longing and reminded me of the place I want filled. I was starting to fill very sorry for myself. 

But God didn't let me turn the reception into a pity party. He sent me a lady with the words I needed to hear. She asked me what I had done in the last five years, if I had a boyfriend, and how life was going for me. I told her that God had been very good to me. I was working the same job. No boyfriend on the horizon. Still loving my family and friends. 

She looked at me and said, "that is so great Rose. You haven't changed a bit. You are still loving God and living out your faith." She kept talking, but my eyes welled up with tears. Here I was looking at myself through a lense of my singleness and hurt. Here she was looking at me through the lense of what God was still doing in me. 

It changed my whole perspective on the evening. Maybe I hadn't found a boyfriend, maybe I hadn't built up an amazing career, maybe I still had a lot of unfulfilled dreams, but that doesn't change the fact that God has never left me. He is still here. He is working. He is still loving me. 

In the end that's all that really matters. He is the center of our story. He is the light of the world. He is all that we need. He is the Redeemer of the story. 

Is it hard to believe that when I look around and it feels like everyone else is getting married? Yes. Is it hard to remember that He is all I need when I feel that longing for a relationship? Yes. Do any of my feelings change who He is? No! 

Ultimately He never changes. He will be my constant One. The Lover of my soul. My Rock and Redeemer. He is all Sufficient. He is all that is good. 

Now when I think back to that evening, I thank God. I am so thankful that God never left me to myself, but let me be a testimony to His grace. He crashed my pity party with perspective. For that I am grateful. 

Have you ever had God crash a pity party with perspective? I'd like to hear about it. Drop me a comment below. 

For My Single And Married Friends

Photo credit: Mikayla Holman

One of the things I have noticed on Facebook is a lot of posts aimed at singles that go something like this, (picture of me and my guy) single women wait for a love like this. 

Through the years I have read a lot of these posts and come away feeling more discouraged. I know the people who posted this meant well, but when I read this post I feel like it spotlights my singleness. Their fullness spotlights my emptiness. Their relationship status highlights mine. Their wait being over spotlights my (sometimes hard) wait.

When you write a post or are having a conversation, where does the spotlight fall? Sadly I feel like all too often I read these posts and turn the spotlight toward me and what I wish I had. I choose to look at the waiting and the downsides to singleness. 

But where should I be focusing? Toward myself or toward the all sufficient Christ? When I choose to point the spotlight toward Christ and the gospel a change takes place. As I see more of His worthiness my pain becomes less. As I remember all that He is my purpose become clear. 

No matter what position we are in, whether single or married, we are to honor God in the middle of it. In all that we do, if we aren't trusting God wholly and learning to love our neighbors (even through Facebook) we are failing. If He isn't coming through in every Facebook post, every conversation, every word, then we are not living according to the riches of His goodness. 

So how do we do this? 

To my married/dating friends - let me tell you from the bottom of my heart that I am happy for you. I know that your special someone is the fruit of years of prayer and hard relationship work. I hope that I can be one of the ones that celebrates with you and enjoys seeing what God does in your life. 

When you want to encourage your single friends, the best thing that you can encourage us with is the gospel. Encourage us to look to Christ. Encourage us to live the life that God has called us to live.

To my single friends - I know that it's hard to be single sometimes and there's a lot of things we have to deal with. But what if we started rejoicing with people instead of envying them? What if we started encouraging our married or dating friends? What if we starting living life as if  Christ is enough? What if we proclaimed His goodness in our lives? What if we became the best servers, lovers, and friends that we can?

No matter where you are, start declaring His faithfulness to those around you. Let us see what God does when we start loving each other! 

The Struggle Is Real

The struggle is real, but so is God.

The ache that you feel is real, but so is Gods love. 

The emotions you feel are real, but so is Gods never-changing character. 

The hard days may seem to last forever, but Gods mercy never ends.

The pain you're going through is real, but so is Gods healing power.

The frustrations you face are real, but so is Gods peace.

The setbacks you encounter are real, but so is Gods help. 

The daily grind monotony is real, but so is the purpose that God gives us. 

The discouragement that you face is real, but so is the God of all hope. 

Whatever you are facing right now, know that God is real. He is loving and powerful. 

What if today we started to really believe that He is as powerful as our situation? What if we believed that He can do what He has promised us? What would change? 

What Is Surrender?

For years I thought I hadn't done it right.

It seemed like almost every woman I knew had a story that went something like this. "I kept chasing and wanting guys. All I wanted was to be married. Then one day I gave up. I surrendered my dreams to God. And then the next week THE GUY came into my life." 

The story varied some, but the key theme was the same. The day after surrender happened, the right guy appeared. I would hear stories and think, I must not have really surrendered that desire because I haven't found the right guy.

There were so many times when I "surrendered" that desire. So many times of thinking that this time I'd really done it. Still no guy appeared.

This led to me thinking that if I wanted it, God wouldn't give that to me. So I would try to figure out how to stop desiring it. Start desiring the right things. My reasoning was is that if God saw that I wanted Him first, that He would give me a guy. 

The problem was I just wanted a guy. It became my obsession. It became my idol. Oh, I would tell you that God was my first desire, but deep down my greatest desire was to have a guy. My actions and life bore witness to that fact. My fists were clinched. My desire firmly in my grasp. 

Then came the night that my parents lovingly confronted me about where my focus was. They pointed out that it wasn't on God, but on my idol of marriage. I was hurt. That night I stayed up late and talked to God. That night I finally surrendered my dream to Him. That night I started to dream of a future where He was the main focus. My hands opened to Him.

Literally 5 days later I was asked out on a date. I was so happy. Oh, how quickly we forget our promises when we think we can meet our desire. I reverted back to my old idol. I grabbed my desire for marriage and held it with a vice grip. Instead of surrendering the relationship to God, I sought to gratify my desires. 

It was at this moment that my All-Wise God did the most loving thing He could, but at the time it felt so hard. He broke my hands. He shattered my grip. In the process of breaking my life broke too. 

But God is so good. Day by day He put me back together. He healed my hands to praise Him. He remade the mangled mess. He breathed new life into me. 

In the process He taught me what surrender looks like. It's not a one time deal that you make with God. It's hands open and turned up toward Him. It's when you see desires, dreams, plans, everything as His not yours. 

Ouch! That's a hard one for me. Even now there are things that I have in my hands that I have to bring before Him. Things that I grab onto that I need to give back to Him. Sometimes it takes work to pry my fingers off. 

But with surrender there is great freedom. It takes the burden of control off of you and transfers it to the only One who can carry it. Now you are free to worship God and love those around you without needing to clinch them. You can dream and plan without fear because you know that He ultimately is in control. You can work diligently and serve faithfully because you know that this job is a gift from God. 

Today what do you have in your fist? Job? Money? Dream? Desire? A Person? 

What would you need to do to take one finger off? I challenge you to do it. Do one thing today that will pry a finger off of that thing. It may not be easy, but it will be a start.

But why should we? What makes it worth it? Being able to lift two free hands to our Beloved and say "All that I am is Yours. Not my will, but Yours be done." It is beautiful music to His ears. 

Stones Fall

There's great freedom in letting go     

There's strength in the middle of surrender

There's beauty in relinquishing rights

When we let go of our need to be right

When we let go of needing to balance the scales

When we let God be God

When we realize how much we have been forgiven

When we see how much grace has been shown to us

When we rest in Gods love

That is when harsh lips become silent

That is when grief turns to hope

That is when healing begins

That is when transformation happens

That is when stones fall from our hands

Take the time today to come before God and let stones fall. 

Lions

Source: upi.com

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you have a lion in your house. Yes, that's right. You have a ferocious beast in your house. 

If I'm totally honest, I have a lion in my house too. In fact, he is with me wherever I go. 

His name? Sin. This is the nasty destructive lion that follows us around wherever we go. 

But why? Why do we have this lion that follows us? Why don't we get rid of him? For some of us it started years ago. A cute little lion showed up at our doorstep wanting food. We could feed it or the Spirit. We could have the company of the lion or the Spirit, but not both. We chose to feed the lion. 

Over the years the lion has grown in size. Suddenly it's not as easy to feed the lion. It always wants more. He promises satisfaction, but it's fleeting at best. He is always wanting us to up the ante. The fleeting pleasure is sweet. The thought of more is tantalizing. 

So we feed him. We turn to him for pleasure instead of the Spirit. 

We've tried to hide him as best we could, but we are always worried that he is going to come out at the worst moment and expose us. We are always keeping one eye on the hiding place and praying that we can get through another day without the lion coming out.  

We've thought about becoming free from the lion. We daydream about a life where we don't have to fear the lion. a life where I can be free from the lions grasp. A life when I can let people get close. A life where we can live without fear that people will find out about the lion. Yet we don't throw it out. 

The problem is that the lion knows when you are tired and discouraged. It knows when to kill the prey. Slowly and painfully it will destroy you, your close friendships, your ministry, and your witness. It will claw and gnaw at your very life.  

Suddenly that cute little lion that we let in and fed all those years ago has become a monster that we can't control. Worse, it's eating away at everything and everyone we love. 

Such is sin. It is no laughing matter. What may have one appeared cute and harmless is now eating away at your very soul. 

If I ended it here, this would be a bleak picture indeed. But there is one who has killed the lion. There is one who never let in the lion. Not even a little cute lion. He lived among us, but He did not succumb to the sin that we fall prey to. 

On the cross He let all of our lions devour Him.  He stretched out His hands in surrender and let the lions devour Him. In that moment He lost that closeness of fellowship He had always shared with His Father. He felt the full weight of our sin. He died being devoured by the lies that naw at us every day. 

Praise God! This is not the end of the story! Christ conquered the lions. He let them destroy His life, but then He rose again! God brought about the victory over sin forever! 

This is the best news for us who live among the lions. We can conquer! Because He conquered, He invites us to share in His victory! We don't have to live in fear of the lion. We can conquer the lion. With God working in us and strengthening us, we can daily walk in the Spirit and not be the slave of the lion. 

We all have a lion that lives with us, but we can choose who we choose to feed. We can choose who we will walk with. We can choose who we serve. 

Praise God! He gives us freedom to be slaves to Christ!

Asking The Wrong Question

I have been asking the wrong question and I think the answer that I have been giving myself was as wrong as this question. 

The question was: What if I never get married? What then?

On the surface there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this question. I was encouraged to consider this question a few years ago and have been mulling over it ever since. But I think it is a wrong question. Why?

Recently I was up late thinking. In my half awake state I felt like this question floated to the top of my mind. Then God's thoughts started invading. What if I have been asking the wrong question? What if instead of asking what if I never get married, I asked what if God chooses that for His glory and my best that I remain single?  

It may seem like I'm asking the same question, but I realized a big difference between the two. The difference was who the focus is on. If I am the focus of my story then I will end up sad and disillusioned. But if I chose to make God the center of the story I end up satisfied in Him. 

It's like I'm on a stage. I can choose to run onto center stage and demand that the spotlights focus on me. But promoting myself and my supposed worth leaves me empty and hopeless. What if instead I went out on that stage, but let the light illuminate the True Center of this story? When I highlight His goodness and love and let Him be the center, lives change for His glory. This gives me peace and hope. 

I'm not perfect at this yet. I'm still learning to ask better questions and let God be God in all of my life. He is so patient and loving. He cares for me and loves me more than I will ever know. Living a life that is completely His and that honors Him is what I strive for. Living a life that spotlights Him is a worthy goal. 

Ultimately you and I are not our own. You are not your own. You were bought with a price therefore glorify God with your body. 

Let us strive today offer all of our ourselves as a holy sacrifice to God. For His glory and our greatest good. 

27!

Source:https://www.sophie-world.com/blog/how-plan-golden-birthday-party

God has been so incredibly good. Today I'm celebrating my golden birthday! I'm 27!

I'm so thankful for all that God has done in my life. As I look around me I see so many of the gifts and blessings that God has placed in my life. Here's a list of the top 27.

1. Gods Love and Mercy

2. Forgiveness 

3. Family

4. Friends

5. Church

6. Vacations

7. Hope Family Thrift Store

8. Good Food

9. Fun Clothes

10. The Bible

11. Home

12. Pink and Gold

13. Coffee, Smoothies, Fruit Juice 

14. Workouts

15. Long Walks

16. Christian Music

17. Audiobooks

18. Journals

19. Sticky Notes

20. Texts & Emails From Friends

21. Crafting - Crochet, Cross Stitch, Sewing, Card Making, Needlepoint, and Coloring

22. Inspiring Words

23. Hanging Out With Friends

24. Healing

25. Beautiful And Fun Souvenirs 

26. Flowers Especially Roses

27. Twenty-Seven Years Of Life

Identity #3: Who I Am

When I was beat down and broken, He reminded me of who I am. When I was reeling from loss and didn't know what to do, He wooed me back to Him. When I felt defeated He reminded me of my purpose. The beautiful purpose that He had for me before the foundation of the world was laid. 

When I was in my early teens I wanted to do God's plan for my life. I wanted Him to give me a mission to accomplish. I prayed and asked God what He wanted me to be. 

It was then that He gave me a vision for what He wanted me to be. In a nutshell it's this: I want to be a woman passionately seeking God's heart and I want to encourage the Church. It's that simple. 

Through the years I've tried to follow His leading and encourage the Church. It's looked so different for different times in the last 15 years. Sometimes it's looked like being there for a neighbor when they felt alone. Encouraging a friend that she's on the right track. Blogging. Pursuing a closer walk with God through study and quiet time. Singing to a baby in the Neonatal Intensive Care. Though the expression has been different the vision has been the same.

But recently He showed me how He sees me. He sees me as His bride that He is making ready for Himself. He is cleansing and refining. He has and is giving me white to wear for the day when I meet Him. 

When I was preparing for my wedding, I spent so much time planning the details and worrying about how I would look for that day. What if I started putting as much preparation for my heavenly wedding? What if I prepared for the day when I will walk down a gold paved aisle to meet my God? What if I lived as the blood bought Bride of Christ? 

So who am I really? I am Rose. Chosen by God before the foundation of the world was laid to become His. Through the blood of Christ, I am cleansed and sanctified to be ready for service. Now I can love and encourage the church wherever I find them. 

And one day I will meet my God dressed in the purity that He purchased for me. One day I will see the joy on His face at my coming. One day I will be fully His bride beautiful. 

For now I wait and prepare for that day. For now I trust Him and follow His leading. For now I walk free in Him. I know who I am. I am His. 

Special Thanks to Mikayla for the photos. 

A Prayer

Lord, 

You are so Good and Faithful.

You are Holy and True. 

You are Great and Kind. 

You are the Creator and Redeemer.

You are God above all. 

You are the King of all Kings.

You are the Merciful and Compassionate.

You are beyond my comprehension.

And in all this, You want me for Your own. 

You have given me a calling and purpose. 

You have given me a part in Your story. 

Father, let me be faithful. 

Let me each do what You have given me. 

Let me honor You each day. 

Let my life encourage others to follow You. 

Let me be Your light. 

Amen. 

A Letter

Dear Beloved Daughter,
You cannot know the depths of my love for you. It is too deep to know.
Because of my great love for you I'm about to let the hardest trial you have ever known into your life. You will fail and do things that you never thought you would.
Yet I will never leave you. This will press you into Me. I will be waiting for you to turn and to be forgiven.
Daughter don't give up. Keep pressing through to Me. Remember that I am with you. You are loved more than you will ever know.
How will you know? You will see it in my loving discipline. I won't abandon you but will correct you as the daughter you are.
Then when anther trial comes along, you will stand firm. You will know Me better. Your heart will be stronger for the task.
This is my promise to you. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.
Love,
Your Heavenly Dad.

This I have found to be true.

One Day

He spoke the words softly over my soul. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there.

I didn't think this was possible. I was wracked with pain. It was a part of me. Hardly a day went by that I didn't breakdown crying over the past or something I had done. I wondered if I would ever have a day I wouldn't cry. If I would ever be able to look back without pain. If I would ever stop hurting.

This is how it was for so much of this last year. Yet He kept repeating this promise. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there. I tried to think of what that might look like, but for months the pain didn't leave me. It was always there. 

How do wounds fade into scars? Slowly. Day by day the wound stops bleeding. It closes up and new skin forms over the wound. The process of healing is never as quick or easy as we wish. But if we trust God and let Him protect our wounds, they heal. They become scars. 

For me I didn't realize that the worst of my wounds had faded into scars until...

It was May and we were at the park with some friends. Something came up and it triggered a memory. As I started thinking about it. Then it occurred to me that I didn't have the usual pain that this memory normally invoked. It felt odd. Then it hit me. I was reaching for pain that wasn't there. God had done it! He had healed my heart. God did it! He fulfilled His promise. 

Now when those memories come up I try to reach for gratefulness. Gratefulness to God for His love and tender mercy toward me. Gratefulness for the family and friends who stuck with me through the best and the worst. Gratefulness for His plan that wasn't derailed by my poor choices. Gratefulness for the place that I do live and the things I get to enjoy. 

I'm still learning. There are times I still fall into feeling sorry for myself and let the pain take over. There are still times when I feel pain or guilt over the past. It's in these times that God reminds me of the truth. To remember that God paid the price. His wounds healed mine. His grace is enough. He is the One who heals and restores. 

So now these scars bear witness to the fact that I am loved. They are now a cause for gratitude not pain. For that I am so grateful to my loving promise keeping God. 

Help! I'm Turning Green!

Source: Colorhex.com

I scrolled through Facebook and saw pictures of happy couples with a lovely ring prominently displayed and I started turning green. A friend was gushing to me about married life and how wonderful her new husband is and on the other end of the phone I started turning green. I text from a friend tells me that she's pregnant with her first and I started turning green.

I feel like I've reached that time in my life when most of my friends are getting married, are married, or having their first baby. And in early July I was really struggling with being envious of what they had and the joy that they are experiencing. I don't wish I had their life, but sometimes I want what they have. And it made me turn so green. 

Normally I look really good in green. But when it's the ugly neon green of envy, I look terrible. The problem with envy is that it makes you blind to the joy and the blessings that you have. You can't praise God for who He is and what He's done. It inhibits your ability to see the good that is there or could be there. It immobilizes you to do what God has given you to do.  

So how did I combat envy? It was hard, but a battle that was worth the fighting. When I began to feel green I tried to refocus on what God has given me. I started to think about all the blessings that He's placed in my life. And what He has done for me. That made a huge difference. The green receded. Next I would try to focus on what God has given me to do that day. Whether it was chores or work or sewing or whatever I would try to give it my full attention and focus on the things that God has given me to do that day. The green receded a little more. Next I would try to lift up my voice in praise to God for who He is and what He's done. The green receded more. 

There are still times that I turn so green that it gets ugly, but they are fewer. For that I praise God. 

The thing is, when I am contented in Him it frees me to be truly happy for others. I can rejoice with them when I have hope that Gods plan is still on track. I praise God for every time that He helps me to get rid of the green and rejoice. It many times isn't easy, but always worthwhile. 

So the next time that you are turning green, stop and turn your eyes back to Him. I garentee you, there is no better sight to feast your eyes on. He is the best and the greatest we could ever hope for. 

Oh my soul, remember the Lord your God. Remember all that He has done for you. Remember His kindness and loving care. Stay focused on Him. Enjoy the blessings He has given you. Do the work He has given you singing praises to His name. For the Lord is worthy always! 

Identity #2: Defined By...

I don't know where I picked up this lie, but it became embedded deep inside me. I thought that when I started dating/courting someone that I was supposed to take on their way of thinking and always take their view in terms of theology or any grey areas. Like I was supposed to be a sponge soaking in whatever he told me. I was waiting for that guy to tell me part of my identity. 

In 2017 I got my wish. A handsome guy swept me off my feet and offered me the world. I was taken. I forged ahead throwing caution and sound judgement to the wind. We set a date for the wedding and started planning a life together. 

I assumed the identity of fiancée/sponge quite well. I changed to fit the identity that he wanted. The problem was that I started to lose the real me. I wasn't becoming more like Christ. I was becoming more like a sponge, logic that was full of holes and in relationships  sliding down a slippery slope.  

It was then that God lovingly intervened. He didn't hand me over to that identity. The engagement broke up. 

I was devastated. Stripped of my coveted identity, I felt so beat down and lost. I reeled in the pain of loss. 

Yet He came to me. He pressed in passed the pain. He peeled through layers of hurt. He carried me through. He gave me grace. He reminded me who I am. He reminded me of the person He created me to be. He reminded me of the mission He gave me. 

To be continued...

Identity #1: What I Wanted To Become

I stared at the list. I wondered what it was that had captured me. Why I was so mesmerized by this list of what I wanted to be from sometime a few years ago? 

Maybe it was that I was interested in what I thought I would be vs. What I actually became.

 

As I look back I think about me as an teenager. That girl had so many dreams of what life would be like. She could just picture how it would all happen. She would have some adventures and fun travels. Then she would meet the one and they would get married and start a family. 

But it didn't happen that way. The identity that I wanted so badly to assume didn't come my way. I felt so lost and confused. I hadn't planned for anything else. All I wanted back in 2016 was to be a wife and mom. 

Because it wasn't happening I became bitter and discontent. I was becoming increasingly upset because I thought God wasn't giving me the identity that I desperately wanted. 

There were several times during this time there were so many times when He was encouraging me. So many times when He was holding out a better way. Reminding me that who I was in Him had not changed. That He had already given me a beautiful identity in Him. But I wasn't really listening.

Sometimes the only way that God can get ahold of you is to give you what you have been begging Him for. And that is what He did for me. 

To be continued...

Tears That Heal

I cried again. For the umpteenth time I wondered when I was going to not cry over the pain of the past? When was I going to be healed? When would it be just a memory? When would it stop producing tears?

Honestly, I was getting mad at myself. I was ready to be done with the tears. I didn't want to be sucked into that pain anymore. 

The thing was, God showed me that those tears weren't pointless. When I cried I never cried alone. He was always there holding me. Those tears worked in me something I couldn't see until recently. They were setting me free. Free from having to live in the pain. They were helping me to let go.

Even though it's been a year there are still times when I cry over the memories and pain. But I don't cry as much and I don't get frustrated with the tears. I see now (sometimes through tear-filled eyes) that the tears accomplish much.

The more amazing thing is that God never gets frustrated with my tears. So many times when I'm crying in His arms, I hear His tender voice. "You are loved. I'm here. I will never leave you. You are my beloved. I've cried tears over loss and pain too. I'm here for you." 

This is the soothing balm to my soul. It heals me. Almost like my tears clean the dirt out of the wound and His love covers it. He is so good and gracious. Even when I cry.  

I Want Limelight!

I came home and started spilling all my feelings to Sarah. I felt so bad. 

I had spent the whole evening at the church part worshipping God, part wishing that I could run to the front during testimony time and tell everyone the whole story of what had happened to me this past year. I wanted the attention. I wanted people to know. I decided against this, but I was frustrated with myself.

Hence why I was talking to Sarah. I felt bad that I had wanted all the attention. I wanted the eyes to be on me. I wanted people to know the pain that I had and in some ways was still going through. In some way to scream out "I'm still here!"

Sarah is so wise. She looked at me and with a knowing smile put her finger on exactly what was going on. "Rose for a year you had people following your romance and were so excited for you. You had a whole group of fans. Then when things went downhill they turned into encouragers. You had a lot of people following your healing and encouraging you. But you've had a few good months. People have moved on. Not in a bad way, it's life. Now you're suffering from the lack of attention."

She was so right. It highlighted something in me that I hadn't given much thought to. I like limelight. I don't mind being center stage. I'm an extrovert and enjoy people. I enjoyed my mini rise to Facebook fandom. 

But God chose a different path for healing. He didn't have me post every detail on Facebook. He didn't place me on a stage where I would tearfully tell about what God had done to heal me that week. He didn't have me write an autobiography about the last year. 

He chose a different way. He hid me. In the everyday of normal life, He healed me. But it wasn't amazing or eye catching. In fact it doesn't make for a great or amazing story. It has been a slow and many times painful process. But in this hidness and silence is where He healed me. In the times when I couldn't give a voice to my inner feelings He worked deeper healing than I could have imagined. 

Now I realize that I don't need the limelight. I don't need a stage. I don't need everyone to know my side of the story. 

I do need to remember that God knows and sees me. Even if no one else sees the battle, He knows it all and will be with me. He is the One who will ultimately reward me. I do need friends who listen and help me process feelings and memories in a Godly way. Fortunately God blessed me with a few people who have stuck with me and listened to me through it all. I do need to be more interested in Gods glory than getting in my 2 cents worth. 

I will admit, there are still times that I want to get up in front of a crowd and get attention. But God is showing me that it's not in front of crowd that we get love or healing. It's in the hidness. When we let God into the secret place He comes in and gives us something much better than applause. He gives us healing, love, and redemption. He satisfies our soul. That is a gift that no limelight can campare to. 

Guilt And The Gospel

I got frustrated the other day. I was getting caught up in the guilt again. I was crying over the sin I done. I was crying for what my past self did.

The Rose of early 2017 wasn't trusting God. Not really. She said she was, but deep down she was convinced that she knew best and wasn't going to let anyone stop her. She was forging her own way ahead to get the guy she wanted. And in doing so she made a lot of choices that hurt her and those around her.

But God didn't leave me there. He stepped in and gave me something I didn't deserve. Hard love. He lovingly stepped into the mess and demolished my plans. The engagement was broken.

As I was reeling in pain, He came to me. His scared hands reached out in comfort. With my plans gone and my pain overwhelming, I came back to Him. I repented. I begged Him to work in me again. Slowly ever so slowly, He began to draw me out of the pit I had dug. He changed my heart. He not only healed it, He remade my heart to be more like His.

 It was then that the Gospel became so clear to me. God loved me when I was unlovable. He loved me in the middle of the mess. His blood is enough! The cross is enough! His sacrifice covered over all my sins. They no longer have a hold on me. Not by anything I have done, but by His wounds I have been healed.

This is a glorious truth. I don't have to live in the guilt or shame. I get to live in His grace. I get to live singing about His mercy and love.

This is how you defeat guilt. You use truth. You are not what you once were. Through the grace of God you have been remade. By His righteous actions we have been made righteous. By His resurrection we have a new life.

This was the truth that changed me. Not just the other day, but any time I start to feel guilty. Now whenever I feel guilt for the past God reminds me of the gospels power. It has changed, is changing, and will continue to change me.

Today if you hear the voice of guilt or shame, defeat it with the truth of grace and live free. He is here with scars that prove His sacrifice was enough.

1 Year Ago Today

It was a call that I both dreaded and wanted to get. The voice of my fiancé came in very clear over the phone.

“I think that the best thing that we can do is to break off the engagement.” And with those words my last shred of hope that we could save the relationship broke into a thousand pieces. I broke down into tears. He continued talking, but it was hard to hear him over the scream of my pain. 

And you know something? That seems like forever ago. As I write this it has been one year since that conversation. As I look back on the last year it is hard to believe all that God has done. 

Healing hasn’t looked anything like I thought it would. There have been times when I wondered if there would ever be a day when I wouldn’t cry. If I would ever feel whole. If I would ever recover. 

Reconciliation hasn’t been like I thought it would. I made a lot of mistakes. I caused those I love a lot of pain. Full reconciliation took time and work. 

Resuming “normal life” was more difficult. Things like work and chores were harder to focus on with a broken heart. 

But the Gospel shines brighter to me now more then ever. The truth that Christ came down, lived a perfect life, died in the place that I deserved, and rose again victorious over the worst sins in my life has become so precious to me. His love and grace for my worst failure and tenderly healing me every day since has saved me from despair and bitterness. Satan wanted to destroy my soul, but God stepped in and redeemed the situation for His glory. In this scary and hard process God also refined my character to make me more like Him. 

Have I arrived at complete healing yet? No. Sadly there are still things that make me cry, and there are parts of my heart that are tender to the touch. But I praise God that my heart is more tender to His touch. I praise God that He gave me the grace I needed for every moment. I praise God for every person who loved me through everything this last year. I praise God for all that He has done in my life. I praise God that I wasn’t destroyed by bitterness, guilt, shame, hurt, sin, or disappointment. There have been many fierce battles against these and many setbacks, but God has given me the tools to fight them and the strength to endure. I praise God that He has placed me where I need to be to serve Him. 

And I’m so glad that I got my blogging voice back. For years I had been too busy to write on a blog consistently. Then with everything that happened, there was part of me that wanted to share this with all of you right away. But God kept whispering to me that it wasn’t the right time. That I needed to wait. So I did. I waited until He nudged me forward. 

Over the next few months (as God leads) I hope to open up and share with you what God has done for me in the last year. 

I’m still a work in progress. I still have so much to learn. But my hope is that sharing with you will encourage you to live ever more fully for Him. That you will be emboldened to live the life that God has for you. It may be more challenging than you think. But life in Him is always worth the price you pay to get there. So let's go for it, shall we?

Thank You

          Source 

This week marks one year since my engagement was broken off.

While this is sad for me in a way, I also am extremely grateful. 

As I looked back on last year I remembered how much grace I was shown and how many people surrounded me with love. I thought of the loving God who sheilded me and cared for my broken heart day after day. I thought of the family that loved me and stood with me through the worst. I thought of the friends who supported me and loved on me. I thought of the counselor who turned my eyes back to God. I thought of the friend who reminded me who I am in Christ when I needed to hear it the most. There are too many to count. 

In short God has surrounded me by so much love and grace. I know I don't deserve it. Left to myself I botch things up every time. Controlled by God, I can show His love and grace to those who desperately need it. In Him, there is nothing that I can't do. 

As I look back I see so many people who cared for and supported me. That warms my heart. That makes me so grateful. 

If you have taken the time to encourage me in this year, thank you. Your encouragement has meant more than you know. 

Keep shining!

Waffles and Grace

This morning I had the best of intentions. I was going to make breakfast for my family. I pulled down the waffle maker and started mixing the batter. Then it started smelling like someone was  Burning chocolate in the kitchen. I opened the waffle maker to see that something had been left inside and was now smelling up the whole kitchen. My mom suggested that I stopped using that waffle maker and get the other one. So I did. Then as I was using that waffle maker it stuck to the sides instead of making into waffles. As I was trying to clean up that mess and start over my mom came in and offered to make me some pancakes and to clean up the mess. She knew I had to go to work today and  didn't want me to be late.
Not only that but she made me a pancake in the shape of a bear face. The gesture warmed my heart. It was such a Grace to me. She could have left me to clean up the mess by myself and be late for work, but instead she chose to come in make a great breakfast clean up the mess I had made and show me just how much she cares.
We have all at one time or another received this kind of Grace from God. He comes in and finds us in the middle of making a mess of our lives, our emotions, or our soul. And He gently takes us in His arms and offers to clean up the mess and to make us whole. We can choose how we respond. We can respond by shoving Him away and saying that we can clean it up on our own or we can accept His gracious offer and start to live the life that He designed. It's not easy and it means surrendering your rights to do it your way, but the fruits of doing it God's way are so worth it. Trust Him oh my soul. Trust Him with the mess that you find yourself in. And He will turn it into the greatest evidence of Grace in your life.

In 5 Years

Today I had a very sad moment. I was chatting with an old friend. We used to use this ancient form of communication called email and excanged a few emails way back. We would encourage each other and talk about our lives. Then we had lost touch for awhile. Like a few years. Recently we reconnected and were catching up. Today saddened me. I realized that the person she had become was one that was marked by pain, bad choices, and trying to prove that she's doing alright. 

I came away from the conversation sad because it's not what I want to become. 

I want to become a person who is marked by her radical love for God and others. I want to become a strong encourager of the Church and someone that is a blessing to those around her. I want to become the person that God wants me to be.  

But how do I get there? How do I look back five years from now and be closer to that goal? How do I become the person that God destined me to be? 

You do it the same way you build a house. One part at a time. One day at a time. No one wakes up one day and becomes an evil person. You do it in stages. You entertain bad thoughts. You make a compromise. And it starts a downward spiral. The opposite is also true. If you fight the flesh, live radically for God, and do what He sets before you, you will build a life that honors God. Even if you have made mistakes in the past, they don't have to determine your future. Because of Gods amazing grace we have the ability to build a life that honors God and lives out radical love to a hurting world. 

Today and everyday I want to chose to live life Gods way. I want to look back in five years and be thanking God for all that He has done, for the person that He has made me into. 

Let's see what Happens when we put 5 years of these days together. 

Dreams, Singleness, And A Lie

Recently I came to a conclusion that I'm a little ashamed to admit. Why? Because it's a lie that I grew up with and never faced head on. 

This was the lie - once I get married then I won't have to figure out what to do with my days anymore. Husband and kids will be what my life is all about. So my goal became to bide my time until I found the guy. Then I would keep a house, enjoy having a husband/best friend, and raise kids. That's it.

What I've been realizing is that God has a bigger plan for my life than just marriage and kids. The truth is that (according to my unofficial study of my married friends) there's so much more that God has for us to do. Marriage and raising kids are one of the things that He wants for us, but He also wants us to live radical lives that touch those around us for His Kingdom. This certainly includes marriage, but its not the totality of Gods plan to advance His Kingdom. 

This is changing how I look at my singleness. This time is not biding time until this guy shows up. This is a valuable time. A time to dream. A time to see God work. A time to take chances. A time to grow radically in God. A time to advance the Kingdom of God while not as distracted. 

So now whether single or married, my life is His. He has lavished beautiful radical love on me. My days are in His hands. 

He is too worthy just to bide time. He is too worthy to waste this season that I have been given living for myself. 

What do I do now? I can't change the past, but I can change how I move forward. God has given me today. He has given me another chance to dream. So I'm going to take it. I pray that over the next few months I can dream and use this time to its best potential. 

I want to live radically for the One who has given me His very life. 

So if you will excuse me until next time, I'm off to dream. 

Painting

Singleness paints a picture of Christ's sufficiency.
If you are single what picture are you painting?
Each of us takes up a brush at the beginning of the day.
We have paints before us.
Vibrant colors of praise and worship and love.
Deep hues of resentment and resistance and .
We choose.
We can dip our paintbrush into pain and bitterness.
We can dip into selfish tears and cry over what we wish was or what we wish we could change.
We can paint with colors of resistance to our present.
Or we can paint with colors of praise.
We can paint with grace and encouragement.
We can use the gifts that we have been given and honor the One who gave them.
We can use the love that has been lavished on us to paint a picture of His love.
We have a choice before us.
The paint brush is in your hand.
You choose your paint.
The canvas of the day is before you. 
As for me, I want the bright colors of praise and love to paint my day.
Let's go!

In The Middle

"Just keep remembering that you are in the middle of the story."
I've been thinking about my mom's gentle reminder to me from a few weeks ago.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I do the same things day in and day out not getting any closer (or so it seems) to where I want to be. I see other happy girls posting smiling engagement pictures or beautiful ladies setting up their homes and there's a part of me that really wants to be there. Sometimes I feel like they are getting their dreams and I'm not going much of anywhere. I'm still doing much of the same things I've been doing for months. I'm fighting the same battles within myself. 
There are days I move slower. Days when I feel like the middle of my story is going to damper my spirit. Days when I wonder if I missed the boat or didn't do something right. Days that feel so mundane.
Yet even on the mundane days, God is still calling me. He's still at work even in the middle of the story. He is still here.
So what do you do? On days when you feel like you are in the middle of the story not getting anywhere.
I've been thinking about this the last few days and I've come up with a list.
1. Preach the gospel to yourself. We never graduate from the gospel. Keep remembering the surpassing worth of Christ. Remember His cross. Remember His resurrection.
2. Don't give up on the dreams God gave you. On days when your dreams seem to be buried under a pile of work and  circumstances you can't control, keep believing that God is going to have those dreams come true at the perfect time.
3. Remember that God sees the bigger picture. To Him this isn't wasted time. This is His time. He knows what He is doing in the story and will work it all into the best story ever. Trust Him.
4. Keep moving in the right direction. Even if it seems mundane, keep moving. He's given you a task for today. Do it with all your might giving Him the praise.
5. Take time to do something you haven't done in a while. Do devotions outside. Buy a friend coffee. Go shopping at a new store. Surprise a friend with lunch. Sometimes it helps to break out of your normal routine.
So if you will excuse me I've got some work to do, but I'm happy about it. 

Fingerprints

I love it when you can look back and trace God's hand. The times when I can see His fingerprints. His hands at work.  Sometimes they are stained from the blood of battle or outlined by cooling water of refreshment. But they are always there.
From the perspective of time and through the lense of grace I looked back on last year. It is full of His fingerprints.
Family showing me grace.
God's arms around me.
A friend crying with me.
An unexpected kindness.
A breaking of my idols.
A growing trust in God.
A healing heart.
Don't look back to beat yourself up for the things you can't change. Look back to see the fingerprints of God.

Tangible

Last night I was crying. I could hardly put into words what was bothering me. It seemed like a bunch of scattered pieces and I couldn't make sense of it. 

As I was falling asleep my brain got stuck on the word tangible. At the heart of the struggle was that God doesn't seem as tangible as the things on this earth. It's hard sometimes to feel His embrace and know His voice. 

Honestly I've been missing tangible hugs from a boyfriend, having conversations, texting, and more. I miss the tangible. 

But just because God doesn't seem as tangible doesn't make Him any less real. In reality, He is alive in me. He fights for me and protects me. He sanctifies me and restores me. That is as real as the tablet I'm using to write this. That is the reality that I get to live in and enjoy.

Still there are times my heart longs for more. For tangible things that I can hold. 

There's two stories in the Bible that contrast how people chose to deal with their longing for the tangible. 

The Israelites were at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had been up on the mountain for days. They got tired of waiting. They long for the promise to be fulfilled. They longed for the tangible. So they had Aaron make them an idol. It was tangible and they used it to have some sinful fun, but in the end they had to drink in the bitterness of their sin. 

Then there's Joseph. He had a dream and a pretty good life under Potiphar. Even though he was a slave he was the highest one in the house. Then the masters wife decided that Joseph could serve her sinful desires. Joseph had the opportunity to have something tangible to enjoy, but He chose to stand firm in God. For years he paid the price for her sin. But when he did rise to power, he still had purity and trust in God. 

In this Joseph modeled a way for us to wait for the tangible. It may not be easy or fun. There will be times with tears and pain, but in the end God gives us the best gifts. Not only the gift of Himself, but also a tangible life better than the one we could have planned for ourselves. 

Oh my soul, the next time you are tempted to grab for the tangible outside of God's timing, stand firm. Cling to Gods promises and stand firm. Remember who God is and all He has done for you and stand firm. Remember that the pain of this moment won't be forever, stand firm. Remember all that He has given you and stand firm. Remember His love and faithfulness and stand firm. 

Sculpting

I didn't get a lot of good sleep last night.  Lots of dreams.  This morning I was moving slow and feeling emotionally down. A good talk with Mom helped but I was still feeling like I was dragging. I finally got out the door and was going to work but there was a huge slow down. I was on the verge of getting impatient and feeling frustrated at traffic.
It was then that I heard the still small voice, " Don't worry. I'm sculpting and molding your character. Just keep going straight ahead."
I got the image of a Potter with a lump of clay on His wheel. That's what I felt like a messed up lump of clay that was in the middle of an overhaul.
But when I look up I see His loving gaze. And I know that He's doing something great. So I can go to work with a smile on my face even though I'm late. I can be nice to customers and encourage those around me. Why? Because even though sometimes I feel like a half-finished mess on my way home becoming His masterpiece. He's still got me and He's still good.

Loved Before Time

Loved Before Time

Before time began Someone knew me. Before the world was formed, He saw me. Before the Stars had been placed, He had a plan for my life. Before light was separated from darkness, He loved me. 

This is the God I serve. The One who knew me and loved me before the world was formed. 

Recently God has been pressing this into my heart. It's so easy for me to think that I need lesser loves. Lesser things that won't fill me. 

But when I remember the love that God has shown, it puts all my lesser loves into perspective. When I spend time with the True Lover of my soul, I find rest. I cease chasing things that won't satisfy. When I rest in His care, I live loved. 

Recently I feel like God has been laying a lot of things on my heart. I want to share these with you. It might take some time. I'm still in the middle of some courses. But I have a patient Teacher. As He shares with me, I will share with you. 

Until then I'm Rose, loved before time

Hello There

Welcome to my new blog!

I've had some blogs in the past, but now I want to start a new one. Something that I can post on from time to time about how God is working in my heart and tell you about some of the amazing things He is doing.

More to come soon.