A Grateful Single

Recently I saw a single woman write a post about what she wished she had. She bemoaned her single state. She made a long list of all the things she was missing. 

How many times have I been there? Maybe I haven't posted on Facebook about it, but I too have focused on what I didn't have and bemoaned my lack of a wedding ring.

But is that what God wants me to do? Hasn't He called me to live a life of joyful praise and service to Him? Hasn't He invited me to live dependant on Him and enjoy the life He has given me? Isn't He calling me to live fully alive now, not wait for someday? Hasn't He opened a way for us to live an abundant and full life now? 

We can choose to live life always looking at what we don't have or we can choose to look at what we have been given. We can choose to live in grateful service to God.

Choose to look at the blessings He has given and live a life of gratitude. It's a beautiful thing to see. 

Live!

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I went to a Voice Of The Martyrs Conference recently.

It was an amazing day full of singing, stories, and glory to God. I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

God reminded me of a few things that day. 

One was that I have become too comfortable. I had slipped into a nice routine of being comfortable with my nice little bubble. I am perfectly fine with never leaving my bubble and risking for the Gospel. Ultimately if I am not stepping out of my comfort zone I'm not growing. 

I am called to Live. Not just live, but Live fully alive. Be sold out for God. Live with a passion for God. Audaciously love others. Risk looking foolish for the sake of the Gospel.

I have a global family. Many of them are hurting. Many of them face persecution. Many of them are discouraged. I want to remember them. I want to pray for them. I want to share their stories.

I've heard a lot of people worry about when persecution is going to come to America. Rarely have I heard someone worrying about the apathy that is so pervasive in our culture. I want to fight against that apathy. The apathy that says I don't have to do anything right now. The apathy that keeps me from reaching out. The apathy that keeps me living a good enough life when God has an adventure waiting for me. 

Its easy to focus on what we don't struggle with and worry about it. It's a lot hard to tackle the sins in our own lives. But friends we must. Fight apathy. We must live happy sold out lives for Christ so that people will ask us who we serve. Let us live lives that are a beautiful picture of His life and love in the world. Whatever God has called you to do, do it with all your might. Live! 

Focus Counts

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I have to admit Valentines day is one I have struggled with through the years. I mean being a single girl with no guy in her life right now it's easy to look at all the posts of happy couples and conclude that I am the last single woman on the planet. Now while even a cursery glance at my friends list tells me otherwise, I still have to fight to not dissolve into a puddle of tears or an ugly jealous person.

Where you chose to focus can makes a huge difference. When I chose to focus on what I don't have it makes me ungrateful and angry. Or I can focus on what God has given me. The family I do have. The friends I have been given. The forgiveness and peace that I have before God. When I choose to look at what I do have, it changes my perspective. I can see the fingerprints of my Loving Heaven Father even in the hardest times. 

This year as I approach another Valentines Day as a single woman, I want to see my life from God's perspective. I want to focus on the many blessings He has given me. I want to focus on growing the relationships that God has placed in my life. I was to look at my life through the lense of grace that I have been given. It makes a huge difference. 

So the next time that you catch yourself wistfully looking at a friend's seemingly perfect life or see an Instagram photo of a happy couple, stop. Take some time to remind yourself of what God has given you. Make a list of some of the blessings He's placed in your life. Remember some of the great friendships He's given you. It beats wallowing in a bad perspective any day of the week. 

It Mattered

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I see a picture of me from 2017. I wasted so much time.

I think back to my early twenties. I spent so much time pining instead of living. 

I think back to choices I made and sins I let in. How could I have been so stupid? 

A friend reminds me of an event we shared. I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have. 

I am gushing with a friend over her ring. An image comes to mind of when I had one on my finger. Will I ever have a ring on my finger again? 

I am reminded of how I wallowed in guilt and shame. All that time I wasted in self loathing. 

Then this morning God brought a song that answered all of these. Every Mile Mattered.

God helped me to see these things through His perspective. Even the times that I desperately wish were different were a part of what shaped me. Even the times that I was falling behind God was working. Ultimately God is weaving All of my life into His master plan. All the tears, pain, and difficulties are in the hands of the Master. He uses them for His Divine purpose.

Did He cause me to sin? No. He never tempts me. Always He is calling me. In the pain and tears (even the ones I bring on myself) He is calling me to leave the sinful path. He keeps offering me life to the full. 

So today when I look back on those pictures or think about events that happened I can say this, yes that is a part of my past. But by God's grace I don't have to live there. I can live free from the guilt. I can know that God is using all of these threads (even the black ones) for His glory and my good. He is taking even the squandered opportunities and redeeming them.

So Lord, I give my past to You once again. Take these broken and messed up parts of my past. Teach me to see them as you do. Teach me to trust You in all things. Teach me to look to You to build a better tomorrow. 

I Thought I Was Over It

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I thought I would be over it by now. I can't tell you how many times this thought has crossed my mind in some form or fashion over the last two and a half years. I'm melting down after a memory got triggered. I thought I would be over the tears after a few months. I see a post on Facebook of a beautiful ring and a smiling couple and I fight Jealousy, depressing thoughts, and envy. I thought I would be over this by now. Someone asks me if I'm married and my heart aches. I thought I would be over this by now. Tears come over the past that I can't change. I thought I would be over this by now. I'm at a wedding and a million thoughts and emotions are coursing through me. I thought I would be doing better than this by now. 

I don't know where I got this picture in my head (maybe too many fun, but misguided movies) but I thought after my breakup that I would recover faster. I thought I would struggle for a few months and then be fine. I would be back to normal. It didn't happen that way. Months afterward I'm crying at anything and everything that brought back memories. After a year I had made huge progress, but I was still struggling with memories and guilt. Two years I had made great progress, but still felt like I had hang ups. Now almost three years later I was in church today fighting a mind battle over things that happened in 2017. And yes I wonder, will I ever get over it? 

I think whether or not we want to admit it healing takes a lot longer then we want it to. Truly resting in Christ's grace and remembering that we are forgiven for EVERYTHING we have ever done takes times. It takes practice to repel the enemies attacks on our soul. It takes practice to bring our tears to God. It takes time and grace to fight the battles of bitterness and unforgiveness. But this I do know from the last two and a half years: God is faithful. His grace is ENOUGH. He is greater than the struggle and the pain. He is with us through every step.

It's easy to think, I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to be this way. This is proof that God isn't who He said He is. It's a lie. God isn't finished. He is working and will work in your life. Just because we don't recover at the same rate they do on Hallmark doesn't mean that God isn't working healing. 

As I look back now I can see God's amazing work in the last few years. He has done so much healing and brought to life more hope than I ever thought possible. Are there days when I still struggle? Yes, but I'm not in the place I was three years ago. For that I am incredibly grateful. 

Reality is that we live in a fallen world. Things take longer than we want. Problems don't go away as fast as we want. Pain hangs on longer than we want. Situations don't change like we want. But there is also grace beyond what we can imagine. There is hope beyond our dreams. There is healing to be found in our Great God. Reach for Him. He will be found. 

For every time that you think to yourself, I thought I would be over this. Remember this, God is more amazing than I can ever imagine. 

My Struggle, Your Struggle

I was doing my workout program the other day. I was in the middle of a stretch and one of the helpful prompts came on. "You shouldn't feel any pain." I smiled to myself It occurred to me that this was how most people respond when I tell them I struggle with being single. "You shouldn't feel that way sweetie. I mean when I was young I didn't even worry about it." "Are you kidding me? Just wait until you have to live with a toddler" "Just think of all that you have. You have no idea all the I go through in a day." "He's probably right around the corner. I mean before I met my husband, I thought it was never going to happen." 

Words like this hurt. Sometimes I know they are trying to help, but I feel like I shared with them a struggle and they essentially said that my struggle isn't valid. 

The thing is, I know we all have a struggle. We all have something we all have something that causes us pain. Something we wish we could change. We pray. We hope. We dream of a better future. Yet day by day it chips away at our hope. It drags our mood down. It makes us want to give up. In our eyes it always seems worse than everyone else's pain. It has to be. I mean I live with it day in and day out. It has to be the worst and baddest thing anyone has ever seen. Maybe then I will get some sympathy. Maybe when I'm the center of attention I will gain acceptance. Maybe just maybe I will find healing.
I know I've been guilty of this. I know that I have caught myself putting own others pain because of my own. I know I have come up with reasons why my pain is worse than hers. I know I have had some really great pity parties trying to find healing or at least trying to dull the pain for a while.

But what if hope for the struggle comes not from making our struggle look worse then others, but in going to the one who can give us unlimited grace FOR the struggle? What if healing comes not when we put others down for their pain, but when we bring our broken hearts to the Healer? 

For me singleness is a struggle. It's not something I chose, but it is a good gift that God has given me. The pain is real, but so is God. This struggle is made to draw me to God and it works. I have to constantly go back to Him and gain peace and strength for the struggle. But He is amazing. He is empowering me to face this struggle with grace and courage. I'm still working on it. I still have so far to go, but Go is bigger than the struggle. He is able to see the pearl that it will create. He can encourage me from the perspective of eternity. He is good His love endure forever.
What is that for you? What is the struggle in your life that God uses to draw you to Him? It's not comfortable or easy, but you can know that in all of this God is working for your good. He cares for you and wants your heart more than anything. In the middle of all of this He will be with you. Keep going to Him. He will satisfy you. He will give you strength. He will give you grace without limit. He will enable you to face that struggle with courage. 

Soundbite Or Symphony

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At Thanksgiving my extended family gets together at my great aunts house for dinner. It's always a fun time to catch up with relatives that we only see once a year.
Last Thanksgiving I was feeling a little insecure. I had recently left my daycare job and was waiting to hear back from the preschool that I wanted to get hired at. I still didn't have a boyfriend. Nothing had really changed in my life since 2017. At least not on the surface. Essentially when people would ask me how I was doing I feel like the answer would come out something like this, "Well, I'm currently unemployed, single, and I no idea what next year will look like." I mean I still have a great family and a good life, but at that moment I felt like compared to so many of my cousins who have spouses and amazing careers my life wan't making a good soundbite.
On the car trip home I was talking to God. I felt like I had fallen short. Yet God had a different perspective.  "Your life isn't meant to be lived for the soundbites. It's meant to be lived for the symphony. The life that you live creates a symphony for Me." It was then I started to hear it. The symphony that God was writing. The notes that only I perceive. The seemly random "instruments" that come together to make a beautiful whole. The lower notes that add a richness to the whole and the high notes that spur me on.
No one writes a symphony better than God. While my life may not always sound the bet when I condense it into ten seconds, God is always making a good symphony. If I look back on the whole and listen I can hear it. I can hear they beautiful strain of His story. I can hear my little part in it and smile.
So I can go on, knowing that He is creating a symphony that no soundbite can due justice to.