A Letter

Dear Beloved Daughter,
You cannot know the depths of my love for you. It is too deep to know.
Because of my great love for you I'm about to let the hardest trial you have ever known into your life. You will fail and do things that you never thought you would.
Yet I will never leave you. This will press you into Me. I will be waiting for you to turn and to be forgiven.
Daughter don't give up. Keep pressing through to Me. Remember that I am with you. You are loved more than you will ever know.
How will you know? You will see it in my loving discipline. I won't abandon you but will correct you as the daughter you are.
Then when anther trial comes along, you will stand firm. You will know Me better. Your heart will be stronger for the task.
This is my promise to you. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.
Love,
Your Heavenly Dad.

This I have found to be true.

One Day

He spoke the words softly over my soul. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there.

I didn't think this was possible. I was wracked with pain. It was a part of me. Hardly a day went by that I didn't breakdown crying over the past or something I had done. I wondered if I would ever have a day I wouldn't cry. If I would ever be able to look back without pain. If I would ever stop hurting.

This is how it was for so much of this last year. Yet He kept repeating this promise. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there. I tried to think of what that might look like, but for months the pain didn't leave me. It was always there. 

How do wounds fade into scars? Slowly. Day by day the wound stops bleeding. It closes up and new skin forms over the wound. The process of healing is never as quick or easy as we wish. But if we trust God and let Him protect our wounds, they heal. They become scars. 

For me I didn't realize that the worst of my wounds had faded into scars until...

It was May and we were at the park with some friends. Something came up and it triggered a memory. As I started thinking about it. Then it occurred to me that I didn't have the usual pain that this memory normally invoked. It felt odd. Then it hit me. I was reaching for pain that wasn't there. God had done it! He had healed my heart. God did it! He fulfilled His promise. 

Now when those memories come up I try to reach for gratefulness. Gratefulness to God for His love and tender mercy toward me. Gratefulness for the family and friends who stuck with me through the best and the worst. Gratefulness for His plan that wasn't derailed by my poor choices. Gratefulness for the place that I do live and the things I get to enjoy. 

I'm still learning. There are times I still fall into feeling sorry for myself and let the pain take over. There are still times when I feel pain or guilt over the past. It's in these times that God reminds me of the truth. To remember that God paid the price. His wounds healed mine. His grace is enough. He is the One who heals and restores. 

So now these scars bear witness to the fact that I am loved. They are now a cause for gratitude not pain. For that I am so grateful to my loving promise keeping God. 

Help! I'm Turning Green!

Source: Colorhex.com

I scrolled through Facebook and saw pictures of happy couples with a lovely ring prominently displayed and I started turning green. A friend was gushing to me about married life and how wonderful her new husband is and on the other end of the phone I started turning green. I text from a friend tells me that she's pregnant with her first and I started turning green.

I feel like I've reached that time in my life when most of my friends are getting married, are married, or having their first baby. And in early July I was really struggling with being envious of what they had and the joy that they are experiencing. I don't wish I had their life, but sometimes I want what they have. And it made me turn so green. 

Normally I look really good in green. But when it's the ugly neon green of envy, I look terrible. The problem with envy is that it makes you blind to the joy and the blessings that you have. You can't praise God for who He is and what He's done. It inhibits your ability to see the good that is there or could be there. It immobilizes you to do what God has given you to do.  

So how did I combat envy? It was hard, but a battle that was worth the fighting. When I began to feel green I tried to refocus on what God has given me. I started to think about all the blessings that He's placed in my life. And what He has done for me. That made a huge difference. The green receded. Next I would try to focus on what God has given me to do that day. Whether it was chores or work or sewing or whatever I would try to give it my full attention and focus on the things that God has given me to do that day. The green receded a little more. Next I would try to lift up my voice in praise to God for who He is and what He's done. The green receded more. 

There are still times that I turn so green that it gets ugly, but they are fewer. For that I praise God. 

The thing is, when I am contented in Him it frees me to be truly happy for others. I can rejoice with them when I have hope that Gods plan is still on track. I praise God for every time that He helps me to get rid of the green and rejoice. It many times isn't easy, but always worthwhile. 

So the next time that you are turning green, stop and turn your eyes back to Him. I garentee you, there is no better sight to feast your eyes on. He is the best and the greatest we could ever hope for. 

Oh my soul, remember the Lord your God. Remember all that He has done for you. Remember His kindness and loving care. Stay focused on Him. Enjoy the blessings He has given you. Do the work He has given you singing praises to His name. For the Lord is worthy always! 

Identity #2: Defined By...

I don't know where I picked up this lie, but it became embedded deep inside me. I thought that when I started dating/courting someone that I was supposed to take on their way of thinking and always take their view in terms of theology or any grey areas. Like I was supposed to be a sponge soaking in whatever he told me. I was waiting for that guy to tell me part of my identity. 

In 2017 I got my wish. A handsome guy swept me off my feet and offered me the world. I was taken. I forged ahead throwing caution and sound judgement to the wind. We set a date for the wedding and started planning a life together. 

I assumed the identity of fiancée/sponge quite well. I changed to fit the identity that he wanted. The problem was that I started to lose the real me. I wasn't becoming more like Christ. I was becoming more like a sponge, logic that was full of holes and in relationships  sliding down a slippery slope.  

It was then that God lovingly intervened. He didn't hand me over to that identity. The engagement broke up. 

I was devastated. Stripped of my coveted identity, I felt so beat down and lost. I reeled in the pain of loss. 

Yet He came to me. He pressed in passed the pain. He peeled through layers of hurt. He carried me through. He gave me grace. He reminded me who I am. He reminded me of the person He created me to be. He reminded me of the mission He gave me. 

To be continued...

Identity #1: What I Wanted To Become

I stared at the list. I wondered what it was that had captured me. Why I was so mesmerized by this list of what I wanted to be from sometime a few years ago? 

Maybe it was that I was interested in what I thought I would be vs. What I actually became.

 

As I look back I think about me as an teenager. That girl had so many dreams of what life would be like. She could just picture how it would all happen. She would have some adventures and fun travels. Then she would meet the one and they would get married and start a family. 

But it didn't happen that way. The identity that I wanted so badly to assume didn't come my way. I felt so lost and confused. I hadn't planned for anything else. All I wanted back in 2016 was to be a wife and mom. 

Because it wasn't happening I became bitter and discontent. I was becoming increasingly upset because I thought God wasn't giving me the identity that I desperately wanted. 

There were several times during this time there were so many times when He was encouraging me. So many times when He was holding out a better way. Reminding me that who I was in Him had not changed. That He had already given me a beautiful identity in Him. But I wasn't really listening.

Sometimes the only way that God can get ahold of you is to give you what you have been begging Him for. And that is what He did for me. 

To be continued...

Tears That Heal

I cried again. For the umpteenth time I wondered when I was going to not cry over the pain of the past? When was I going to be healed? When would it be just a memory? When would it stop producing tears?

Honestly, I was getting mad at myself. I was ready to be done with the tears. I didn't want to be sucked into that pain anymore. 

The thing was, God showed me that those tears weren't pointless. When I cried I never cried alone. He was always there holding me. Those tears worked in me something I couldn't see until recently. They were setting me free. Free from having to live in the pain. They were helping me to let go.

Even though it's been a year there are still times when I cry over the memories and pain. But I don't cry as much and I don't get frustrated with the tears. I see now (sometimes through tear-filled eyes) that the tears accomplish much.

The more amazing thing is that God never gets frustrated with my tears. So many times when I'm crying in His arms, I hear His tender voice. "You are loved. I'm here. I will never leave you. You are my beloved. I've cried tears over loss and pain too. I'm here for you." 

This is the soothing balm to my soul. It heals me. Almost like my tears clean the dirt out of the wound and His love covers it. He is so good and gracious. Even when I cry.  

I Want Limelight!

I came home and started spilling all my feelings to Sarah. I felt so bad. 

I had spent the whole evening at the church part worshipping God, part wishing that I could run to the front during testimony time and tell everyone the whole story of what had happened to me this past year. I wanted the attention. I wanted people to know. I decided against this, but I was frustrated with myself.

Hence why I was talking to Sarah. I felt bad that I had wanted all the attention. I wanted the eyes to be on me. I wanted people to know the pain that I had and in some ways was still going through. In some way to scream out "I'm still here!"

Sarah is so wise. She looked at me and with a knowing smile put her finger on exactly what was going on. "Rose for a year you had people following your romance and were so excited for you. You had a whole group of fans. Then when things went downhill they turned into encouragers. You had a lot of people following your healing and encouraging you. But you've had a few good months. People have moved on. Not in a bad way, it's life. Now you're suffering from the lack of attention."

She was so right. It highlighted something in me that I hadn't given much thought to. I like limelight. I don't mind being center stage. I'm an extrovert and enjoy people. I enjoyed my mini rise to Facebook fandom. 

But God chose a different path for healing. He didn't have me post every detail on Facebook. He didn't place me on a stage where I would tearfully tell about what God had done to heal me that week. He didn't have me write an autobiography about the last year. 

He chose a different way. He hid me. In the everyday of normal life, He healed me. But it wasn't amazing or eye catching. In fact it doesn't make for a great or amazing story. It has been a slow and many times painful process. But in this hidness and silence is where He healed me. In the times when I couldn't give a voice to my inner feelings He worked deeper healing than I could have imagined. 

Now I realize that I don't need the limelight. I don't need a stage. I don't need everyone to know my side of the story. 

I do need to remember that God knows and sees me. Even if no one else sees the battle, He knows it all and will be with me. He is the One who will ultimately reward me. I do need friends who listen and help me process feelings and memories in a Godly way. Fortunately God blessed me with a few people who have stuck with me and listened to me through it all. I do need to be more interested in Gods glory than getting in my 2 cents worth. 

I will admit, there are still times that I want to get up in front of a crowd and get attention. But God is showing me that it's not in front of crowd that we get love or healing. It's in the hidness. When we let God into the secret place He comes in and gives us something much better than applause. He gives us healing, love, and redemption. He satisfies our soul. That is a gift that no limelight can campare to. 

Guilt And The Gospel

I got frustrated the other day. I was getting caught up in the guilt again. I was crying over the sin I done. I was crying for what my past self did.

The Rose of early 2017 wasn't trusting God. Not really. She said she was, but deep down she was convinced that she knew best and wasn't going to let anyone stop her. She was forging her own way ahead to get the guy she wanted. And in doing so she made a lot of choices that hurt her and those around her.

But God didn't leave me there. He stepped in and gave me something I didn't deserve. Hard love. He lovingly stepped into the mess and demolished my plans. The engagement was broken.

As I was reeling in pain, He came to me. His scared hands reached out in comfort. With my plans gone and my pain overwhelming, I came back to Him. I repented. I begged Him to work in me again. Slowly ever so slowly, He began to draw me out of the pit I had dug. He changed my heart. He not only healed it, He remade my heart to be more like His.

 It was then that the Gospel became so clear to me. God loved me when I was unlovable. He loved me in the middle of the mess. His blood is enough! The cross is enough! His sacrifice covered over all my sins. They no longer have a hold on me. Not by anything I have done, but by His wounds I have been healed.

This is a glorious truth. I don't have to live in the guilt or shame. I get to live in His grace. I get to live singing about His mercy and love.

This is how you defeat guilt. You use truth. You are not what you once were. Through the grace of God you have been remade. By His righteous actions we have been made righteous. By His resurrection we have a new life.

This was the truth that changed me. Not just the other day, but any time I start to feel guilty. Now whenever I feel guilt for the past God reminds me of the gospels power. It has changed, is changing, and will continue to change me.

Today if you hear the voice of guilt or shame, defeat it with the truth of grace and live free. He is here with scars that prove His sacrifice was enough.

1 Year Ago Today

It was a call that I both dreaded and wanted to get. The voice of my fiancé came in very clear over the phone.

“I think that the best thing that we can do is to break off the engagement.” And with those words my last shred of hope that we could save the relationship broke into a thousand pieces. I broke down into tears. He continued talking, but it was hard to hear him over the scream of my pain. 

And you know something? That seems like forever ago. As I write this it has been one year since that conversation. As I look back on the last year it is hard to believe all that God has done. 

Healing hasn’t looked anything like I thought it would. There have been times when I wondered if there would ever be a day when I wouldn’t cry. If I would ever feel whole. If I would ever recover. 

Reconciliation hasn’t been like I thought it would. I made a lot of mistakes. I caused those I love a lot of pain. Full reconciliation took time and work. 

Resuming “normal life” was more difficult. Things like work and chores were harder to focus on with a broken heart. 

But the Gospel shines brighter to me now more then ever. The truth that Christ came down, lived a perfect life, died in the place that I deserved, and rose again victorious over the worst sins in my life has become so precious to me. His love and grace for my worst failure and tenderly healing me every day since has saved me from despair and bitterness. Satan wanted to destroy my soul, but God stepped in and redeemed the situation for His glory. In this scary and hard process God also refined my character to make me more like Him. 

Have I arrived at complete healing yet? No. Sadly there are still things that make me cry, and there are parts of my heart that are tender to the touch. But I praise God that my heart is more tender to His touch. I praise God that He gave me the grace I needed for every moment. I praise God for every person who loved me through everything this last year. I praise God for all that He has done in my life. I praise God that I wasn’t destroyed by bitterness, guilt, shame, hurt, sin, or disappointment. There have been many fierce battles against these and many setbacks, but God has given me the tools to fight them and the strength to endure. I praise God that He has placed me where I need to be to serve Him. 

And I’m so glad that I got my blogging voice back. For years I had been too busy to write on a blog consistently. Then with everything that happened, there was part of me that wanted to share this with all of you right away. But God kept whispering to me that it wasn’t the right time. That I needed to wait. So I did. I waited until He nudged me forward. 

Over the next few months (as God leads) I hope to open up and share with you what God has done for me in the last year. 

I’m still a work in progress. I still have so much to learn. But my hope is that sharing with you will encourage you to live ever more fully for Him. That you will be emboldened to live the life that God has for you. It may be more challenging than you think. But life in Him is always worth the price you pay to get there. So let's go for it, shall we?