A Letter

Dear Beloved Daughter,
You cannot know the depths of my love for you. It is too deep to know.
Because of my great love for you I'm about to let the hardest trial you have ever known into your life. You will fail and do things that you never thought you would.
Yet I will never leave you. This will press you into Me. I will be waiting for you to turn and to be forgiven.
Daughter don't give up. Keep pressing through to Me. Remember that I am with you. You are loved more than you will ever know.
How will you know? You will see it in my loving discipline. I won't abandon you but will correct you as the daughter you are.
Then when anther trial comes along, you will stand firm. You will know Me better. Your heart will be stronger for the task.
This is my promise to you. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.
Love,
Your Heavenly Dad.

This I have found to be true.

One Day

He spoke the words softly over my soul. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there.

I didn't think this was possible. I was wracked with pain. It was a part of me. Hardly a day went by that I didn't breakdown crying over the past or something I had done. I wondered if I would ever have a day I wouldn't cry. If I would ever be able to look back without pain. If I would ever stop hurting.

This is how it was for so much of this last year. Yet He kept repeating this promise. One day you'll reach for the pain and it won't be there. I tried to think of what that might look like, but for months the pain didn't leave me. It was always there. 

How do wounds fade into scars? Slowly. Day by day the wound stops bleeding. It closes up and new skin forms over the wound. The process of healing is never as quick or easy as we wish. But if we trust God and let Him protect our wounds, they heal. They become scars. 

For me I didn't realize that the worst of my wounds had faded into scars until...

It was May and we were at the park with some friends. Something came up and it triggered a memory. As I started thinking about it. Then it occurred to me that I didn't have the usual pain that this memory normally invoked. It felt odd. Then it hit me. I was reaching for pain that wasn't there. God had done it! He had healed my heart. God did it! He fulfilled His promise. 

Now when those memories come up I try to reach for gratefulness. Gratefulness to God for His love and tender mercy toward me. Gratefulness for the family and friends who stuck with me through the best and the worst. Gratefulness for His plan that wasn't derailed by my poor choices. Gratefulness for the place that I do live and the things I get to enjoy. 

I'm still learning. There are times I still fall into feeling sorry for myself and let the pain take over. There are still times when I feel pain or guilt over the past. It's in these times that God reminds me of the truth. To remember that God paid the price. His wounds healed mine. His grace is enough. He is the One who heals and restores. 

So now these scars bear witness to the fact that I am loved. They are now a cause for gratitude not pain. For that I am so grateful to my loving promise keeping God. 

Help! I'm Turning Green!

Source: Colorhex.com

I scrolled through Facebook and saw pictures of happy couples with a lovely ring prominently displayed and I started turning green. A friend was gushing to me about married life and how wonderful her new husband is and on the other end of the phone I started turning green. I text from a friend tells me that she's pregnant with her first and I started turning green.

I feel like I've reached that time in my life when most of my friends are getting married, are married, or having their first baby. And in early July I was really struggling with being envious of what they had and the joy that they are experiencing. I don't wish I had their life, but sometimes I want what they have. And it made me turn so green. 

Normally I look really good in green. But when it's the ugly neon green of envy, I look terrible. The problem with envy is that it makes you blind to the joy and the blessings that you have. You can't praise God for who He is and what He's done. It inhibits your ability to see the good that is there or could be there. It immobilizes you to do what God has given you to do.  

So how did I combat envy? It was hard, but a battle that was worth the fighting. When I began to feel green I tried to refocus on what God has given me. I started to think about all the blessings that He's placed in my life. And what He has done for me. That made a huge difference. The green receded. Next I would try to focus on what God has given me to do that day. Whether it was chores or work or sewing or whatever I would try to give it my full attention and focus on the things that God has given me to do that day. The green receded a little more. Next I would try to lift up my voice in praise to God for who He is and what He's done. The green receded more. 

There are still times that I turn so green that it gets ugly, but they are fewer. For that I praise God. 

The thing is, when I am contented in Him it frees me to be truly happy for others. I can rejoice with them when I have hope that Gods plan is still on track. I praise God for every time that He helps me to get rid of the green and rejoice. It many times isn't easy, but always worthwhile. 

So the next time that you are turning green, stop and turn your eyes back to Him. I garentee you, there is no better sight to feast your eyes on. He is the best and the greatest we could ever hope for. 

Oh my soul, remember the Lord your God. Remember all that He has done for you. Remember His kindness and loving care. Stay focused on Him. Enjoy the blessings He has given you. Do the work He has given you singing praises to His name. For the Lord is worthy always! 

Identity #2: Defined By...

I don't know where I picked up this lie, but it became embedded deep inside me. I thought that when I started dating/courting someone that I was supposed to take on their way of thinking and always take their view in terms of theology or any grey areas. Like I was supposed to be a sponge soaking in whatever he told me. I was waiting for that guy to tell me part of my identity. 

In 2017 I got my wish. A handsome guy swept me off my feet and offered me the world. I was taken. I forged ahead throwing caution and sound judgement to the wind. We set a date for the wedding and started planning a life together. 

I assumed the identity of fiancée/sponge quite well. I changed to fit the identity that he wanted. The problem was that I started to lose the real me. I wasn't becoming more like Christ. I was becoming more like a sponge, logic that was full of holes and in relationships  sliding down a slippery slope.  

It was then that God lovingly intervened. He didn't hand me over to that identity. The engagement broke up. 

I was devastated. Stripped of my coveted identity, I felt so beat down and lost. I reeled in the pain of loss. 

Yet He came to me. He pressed in passed the pain. He peeled through layers of hurt. He carried me through. He gave me grace. He reminded me who I am. He reminded me of the person He created me to be. He reminded me of the mission He gave me. 

To be continued...

Identity #1: What I Wanted To Become

I stared at the list. I wondered what it was that had captured me. Why I was so mesmerized by this list of what I wanted to be from sometime a few years ago? 

Maybe it was that I was interested in what I thought I would be vs. What I actually became.

 

As I look back I think about me as an teenager. That girl had so many dreams of what life would be like. She could just picture how it would all happen. She would have some adventures and fun travels. Then she would meet the one and they would get married and start a family. 

But it didn't happen that way. The identity that I wanted so badly to assume didn't come my way. I felt so lost and confused. I hadn't planned for anything else. All I wanted back in 2016 was to be a wife and mom. 

Because it wasn't happening I became bitter and discontent. I was becoming increasingly upset because I thought God wasn't giving me the identity that I desperately wanted. 

There were several times during this time there were so many times when He was encouraging me. So many times when He was holding out a better way. Reminding me that who I was in Him had not changed. That He had already given me a beautiful identity in Him. But I wasn't really listening.

Sometimes the only way that God can get ahold of you is to give you what you have been begging Him for. And that is what He did for me. 

To be continued...

Tears That Heal

I cried again. For the umpteenth time I wondered when I was going to not cry over the pain of the past? When was I going to be healed? When would it be just a memory? When would it stop producing tears?

Honestly, I was getting mad at myself. I was ready to be done with the tears. I didn't want to be sucked into that pain anymore. 

The thing was, God showed me that those tears weren't pointless. When I cried I never cried alone. He was always there holding me. Those tears worked in me something I couldn't see until recently. They were setting me free. Free from having to live in the pain. They were helping me to let go.

Even though it's been a year there are still times when I cry over the memories and pain. But I don't cry as much and I don't get frustrated with the tears. I see now (sometimes through tear-filled eyes) that the tears accomplish much.

The more amazing thing is that God never gets frustrated with my tears. So many times when I'm crying in His arms, I hear His tender voice. "You are loved. I'm here. I will never leave you. You are my beloved. I've cried tears over loss and pain too. I'm here for you." 

This is the soothing balm to my soul. It heals me. Almost like my tears clean the dirt out of the wound and His love covers it. He is so good and gracious. Even when I cry.  

I Want Limelight!

I came home and started spilling all my feelings to Sarah. I felt so bad. 

I had spent the whole evening at the church part worshipping God, part wishing that I could run to the front during testimony time and tell everyone the whole story of what had happened to me this past year. I wanted the attention. I wanted people to know. I decided against this, but I was frustrated with myself.

Hence why I was talking to Sarah. I felt bad that I had wanted all the attention. I wanted the eyes to be on me. I wanted people to know the pain that I had and in some ways was still going through. In some way to scream out "I'm still here!"

Sarah is so wise. She looked at me and with a knowing smile put her finger on exactly what was going on. "Rose for a year you had people following your romance and were so excited for you. You had a whole group of fans. Then when things went downhill they turned into encouragers. You had a lot of people following your healing and encouraging you. But you've had a few good months. People have moved on. Not in a bad way, it's life. Now you're suffering from the lack of attention."

She was so right. It highlighted something in me that I hadn't given much thought to. I like limelight. I don't mind being center stage. I'm an extrovert and enjoy people. I enjoyed my mini rise to Facebook fandom. 

But God chose a different path for healing. He didn't have me post every detail on Facebook. He didn't place me on a stage where I would tearfully tell about what God had done to heal me that week. He didn't have me write an autobiography about the last year. 

He chose a different way. He hid me. In the everyday of normal life, He healed me. But it wasn't amazing or eye catching. In fact it doesn't make for a great or amazing story. It has been a slow and many times painful process. But in this hidness and silence is where He healed me. In the times when I couldn't give a voice to my inner feelings He worked deeper healing than I could have imagined. 

Now I realize that I don't need the limelight. I don't need a stage. I don't need everyone to know my side of the story. 

I do need to remember that God knows and sees me. Even if no one else sees the battle, He knows it all and will be with me. He is the One who will ultimately reward me. I do need friends who listen and help me process feelings and memories in a Godly way. Fortunately God blessed me with a few people who have stuck with me and listened to me through it all. I do need to be more interested in Gods glory than getting in my 2 cents worth. 

I will admit, there are still times that I want to get up in front of a crowd and get attention. But God is showing me that it's not in front of crowd that we get love or healing. It's in the hidness. When we let God into the secret place He comes in and gives us something much better than applause. He gives us healing, love, and redemption. He satisfies our soul. That is a gift that no limelight can campare to.