I Thought I Was Over It

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I thought I would be over it by now. I can't tell you how many times this thought has crossed my mind in some form or fashion over the last two and a half years. I'm melting down after a memory got triggered. I thought I would be over the tears after a few months. I see a post on Facebook of a beautiful ring and a smiling couple and I fight Jealousy, depressing thoughts, and envy. I thought I would be over this by now. Someone asks me if I'm married and my heart aches. I thought I would be over this by now. Tears come over the past that I can't change. I thought I would be over this by now. I'm at a wedding and a million thoughts and emotions are coursing through me. I thought I would be doing better than this by now. 

I don't know where I got this picture in my head (maybe too many fun, but misguided movies) but I thought after my breakup that I would recover faster. I thought I would struggle for a few months and then be fine. I would be back to normal. It didn't happen that way. Months afterward I'm crying at anything and everything that brought back memories. After a year I had made huge progress, but I was still struggling with memories and guilt. Two years I had made great progress, but still felt like I had hang ups. Now almost three years later I was in church today fighting a mind battle over things that happened in 2017. And yes I wonder, will I ever get over it? 

I think whether or not we want to admit it healing takes a lot longer then we want it to. Truly resting in Christ's grace and remembering that we are forgiven for EVERYTHING we have ever done takes times. It takes practice to repel the enemies attacks on our soul. It takes practice to bring our tears to God. It takes time and grace to fight the battles of bitterness and unforgiveness. But this I do know from the last two and a half years: God is faithful. His grace is ENOUGH. He is greater than the struggle and the pain. He is with us through every step.

It's easy to think, I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to be this way. This is proof that God isn't who He said He is. It's a lie. God isn't finished. He is working and will work in your life. Just because we don't recover at the same rate they do on Hallmark doesn't mean that God isn't working healing. 

As I look back now I can see God's amazing work in the last few years. He has done so much healing and brought to life more hope than I ever thought possible. Are there days when I still struggle? Yes, but I'm not in the place I was three years ago. For that I am incredibly grateful. 

Reality is that we live in a fallen world. Things take longer than we want. Problems don't go away as fast as we want. Pain hangs on longer than we want. Situations don't change like we want. But there is also grace beyond what we can imagine. There is hope beyond our dreams. There is healing to be found in our Great God. Reach for Him. He will be found. 

For every time that you think to yourself, I thought I would be over this. Remember this, God is more amazing than I can ever imagine. 

My Struggle, Your Struggle

I was doing my workout program the other day. I was in the middle of a stretch and one of the helpful prompts came on. "You shouldn't feel any pain." I smiled to myself It occurred to me that this was how most people respond when I tell them I struggle with being single. "You shouldn't feel that way sweetie. I mean when I was young I didn't even worry about it." "Are you kidding me? Just wait until you have to live with a toddler" "Just think of all that you have. You have no idea all the I go through in a day." "He's probably right around the corner. I mean before I met my husband, I thought it was never going to happen." 

Words like this hurt. Sometimes I know they are trying to help, but I feel like I shared with them a struggle and they essentially said that my struggle isn't valid. 

The thing is, I know we all have a struggle. We all have something we all have something that causes us pain. Something we wish we could change. We pray. We hope. We dream of a better future. Yet day by day it chips away at our hope. It drags our mood down. It makes us want to give up. In our eyes it always seems worse than everyone else's pain. It has to be. I mean I live with it day in and day out. It has to be the worst and baddest thing anyone has ever seen. Maybe then I will get some sympathy. Maybe when I'm the center of attention I will gain acceptance. Maybe just maybe I will find healing.
I know I've been guilty of this. I know that I have caught myself putting own others pain because of my own. I know I have come up with reasons why my pain is worse than hers. I know I have had some really great pity parties trying to find healing or at least trying to dull the pain for a while.

But what if hope for the struggle comes not from making our struggle look worse then others, but in going to the one who can give us unlimited grace FOR the struggle? What if healing comes not when we put others down for their pain, but when we bring our broken hearts to the Healer? 

For me singleness is a struggle. It's not something I chose, but it is a good gift that God has given me. The pain is real, but so is God. This struggle is made to draw me to God and it works. I have to constantly go back to Him and gain peace and strength for the struggle. But He is amazing. He is empowering me to face this struggle with grace and courage. I'm still working on it. I still have so far to go, but Go is bigger than the struggle. He is able to see the pearl that it will create. He can encourage me from the perspective of eternity. He is good His love endure forever.
What is that for you? What is the struggle in your life that God uses to draw you to Him? It's not comfortable or easy, but you can know that in all of this God is working for your good. He cares for you and wants your heart more than anything. In the middle of all of this He will be with you. Keep going to Him. He will satisfy you. He will give you strength. He will give you grace without limit. He will enable you to face that struggle with courage. 

Soundbite Or Symphony

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At Thanksgiving my extended family gets together at my great aunts house for dinner. It's always a fun time to catch up with relatives that we only see once a year.
Last Thanksgiving I was feeling a little insecure. I had recently left my daycare job and was waiting to hear back from the preschool that I wanted to get hired at. I still didn't have a boyfriend. Nothing had really changed in my life since 2017. At least not on the surface. Essentially when people would ask me how I was doing I feel like the answer would come out something like this, "Well, I'm currently unemployed, single, and I no idea what next year will look like." I mean I still have a great family and a good life, but at that moment I felt like compared to so many of my cousins who have spouses and amazing careers my life wan't making a good soundbite.
On the car trip home I was talking to God. I felt like I had fallen short. Yet God had a different perspective.  "Your life isn't meant to be lived for the soundbites. It's meant to be lived for the symphony. The life that you live creates a symphony for Me." It was then I started to hear it. The symphony that God was writing. The notes that only I perceive. The seemly random "instruments" that come together to make a beautiful whole. The lower notes that add a richness to the whole and the high notes that spur me on.
No one writes a symphony better than God. While my life may not always sound the bet when I condense it into ten seconds, God is always making a good symphony. If I look back on the whole and listen I can hear it. I can hear they beautiful strain of His story. I can hear my little part in it and smile.
So I can go on, knowing that He is creating a symphony that no soundbite can due justice to.

This Moment

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Sometimes it's easy to look at what I don't have.

What I wish was mine. 

What others have. 

I can look at photographs capturing something beautiful. 

I can draw conclusions. 

I can compare my life to others. 

I can become depressed. 

I can be sad at what I don't have. 

I can get mad. 

But with God, I can do something different. 

Because of the blood of Christ, I'm empowered to look at these moments differently. 

I can look at my life through the lense of grace. 

I can choose to say that in this moment God is good. 

This moment is a gift. 

In this moment God has been good to me. 

In this moment I can be grateful for what I have. 

In this moment I can rejoice in the Lord. 

In this moment I can praise God. 

In this moment I can look up. 

This is a good gift and one I am thankful for. Anytime that God empowers me to do this, I'm grateful. 

Whatever this moment holds for you, remember that God is all you need. He has given you cause to rejoice in this moment. Take advantage of this moment. Enjoy it. Enjoy God in it. 

Who Am I Waiting For?

Photo Credit: Clint Fair

I turned the journal over in my hand. 11 years. I had been given this Wait For Me journal 11 years ago at Christmas. It was a journal that I was meant to write out special thoughts to give to my future husband. I had written so many letters to my future husband in that journal. I prayed and longed for the day when I could give it to the one my heart loved most. 

Yet as I held the journal in my hands, I realized something. For so many years I had been waiting for a guy to be the one. The one who would give me purpose. The one who would give me my dreams. The one who would walk with me no matter what. The one who would take care of me. If you had asked me 11 years ago I wouldn't have summed it up like this, but that was what I was wanting. I was wanting a man to take the place of God.

But God, who is rich in mercy, gave me something far better. He gave me Himself. He showed me the idols that vied for my heart and taught (and is teaching) to replace them with more of Himself. 

Now I know that there is only One who is worthy to wait for. There is only One who can fulfill all my dreams. There is only One that I can trust to always come through for me. There is only One who will take care of me for all eternity. He is so good to me. He is so gracious and faithful. Even when I fail, sin, and wander He keeps on loving me and drawing me back to Himself. He keeps rescuing me and forgiving me. He keeps caring for me. He keeps drawing me and loving me through all my stumbling towards Him.

We are all waiting for something. We are all waiting for what we think will bring us happiness and peace. Let us turn our eyes to Christ. He conquered our sin. He paid the bride price for us on the cross. He rose again and brought us new life. He lives and walks with us. It is only in Him that we find lasting happiness and fulfillment. Let us wait for Him. Let us seek Him. Let us trust in Him. He is the only One worthy of the wait.