I Didn't Expect This

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In many ways this last month has brought me to my knees. I've been beaten down by a host of circumstances. I've come before God and asked for wisdom. I've pleaded for guidance. He gave it to me. 

At the beginning of the year I asked Him what my goals should be. He said that I should surrender my expectations and expect great things from Him. 

I thought I knew at the beginning of the year how things would go. What would happen.
Through many different circumstances this year, God has systematically caused me to realize how many expectations I had formed. I expected to be married by now. I expected that I would be able to stay at my job for longer than I did. I expected that friendships would be farther along than they are. I expected that I would be more mature than I am. I expected that I would be able to start volunteering at a hospital again. I expected that I wouldn't be struggling with as many run away emotions as I do. I expected that more of my dreams from my dream book would have happened by now.
All of these disappointed expectations have been hitting me hard lately. I've cried so many tears over the space between what I wish was and what is. I cry out to God over the dreams that feel so far away.
As I have come to Him with tears and heartache, He has reminded me of the second part of what He wanted for me this year. He wanted me to start expecting great things from Him. He has been inviting me to dream about how He can empower me in the present and how He work in my future. He can do more than I can imagine. He can make all my dreams come true or He can use my disappointment to lead me closer to Him. More and more I am seeing that it is when I am brought to my knees in disappointment and discouragement is when God becomes more precious. He becomes my greatest treasure. He becomes my best goal. He becomes all that I need. He becomes my rest. He becomes everything to me.
Does it still hurt? Yes, but I have a better vision of what He is doing. My expectations are beginning to shift. They are being transferred onto the One who will never disappoint me. Hope placed in Him is never in vain. I expect that He will empower me to love audaciously. I expect that He will satisfy my deepest longings and desires in Him. I expect that He will fill my days with meaningful work and enjoyable times. I expect Him to do more than I can imagine. I expect that He can hold me in the pain and in the happiness. I expect that He will take care of me. This is my hope. This is my expectation. This is what my God is able to do.
I also expect to struggle with feelings of disappointment. I'm not perfect yet. Yet I know that in the middle of all of it God will help me. He will comfort me. He will cause my eyes to turn upward.
For now I'm so grateful that He is still at work in my life. He keeps exposing areas that need to be brought into conformity with Christ. That is cause for celebration and thanksgiving.
    

My Dad's Work Legacy

This is my dad. He retires today. 

Even before I was born he was working to support our family. Throughout the years he has always been there working hard, doing whatever was needed to provide for us. 

Through all the ups and downs that his jobs have thrown at him I never can recall a time when he complained. He chose through the years to focus on the good and keep pressing ahead. 

My dad didn't work a glamorous or high playing job, but he did his work diligently. Even when he was unemployed for two years, he worked odd jobs to provide for us. He looks to God as our ultimate provider. He always pointed us back to God. 

I thank God for a father who chose to be faithful in his work. He chose to love his family more than having nice things for himself. 

I love you Dad. I can't wait to see how God is going to use this season of your life for his glory and your good. 

Tell Me I'm Okay

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I desperately wanted her to include me in the wedding planning. 

I had just come back to work after my engagement had been broken off. Several ladies at work were preparing to get married. It wasn't like we were good friends, but I really wanted to help. 

For some reason I thought that if they included me in their wedding planning that it would prove that I was okay. It would prove that I wasn't messed up. 

In reality, I was a wreak. I was a very messed up and broken person. I was reeling from the breakup and trying to survive the waves of emotion.

Looking back now I see one thing very clearly. Their inclusion of me would not have fixed what was really wrong with me. I needed God's healing and validation more than I needed someone else to tell me that I was okay. I praise God that He never stopped working. He day by day, moment by moment, tear by tear, worked healing. He reminded me of who I was in Him. He reminded me that He is all I need. 

It's easy for me to think that I need someone to tell me that I'm okay. To ask the opinion of others, or family, instead of going to the God who made me. But ultimately His opinion is the only one that matters. He has already determined my worth on the cross. He has already redeemed my life through His resurrection. He walks with me and validates me. I don't need to seek validation from others. I can seek God in my time of need. I can be raw, honest, and vulnerable. He knows me and will work out His best in me. 

All of this is easier said than done many times. But let's do this together shall we? Instead of going to others let us go to God. Let us trust His love and gain our validation from Him. Ultimately no one else's opinion matters. 

Candy, Candy, and Real Food

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When was the last time you had an amazing meal? I'm talking steak and potatoes, a gourmet dinner, tender chicken and vegetables.
In the hosile and bussle of today's world its rare that we enjoy let alone sit down for a real gourmet meal.
I'm spoiled that I live in a house full of good cooks. Almost every weekend I or one of my family members will take the time to create a meal masterpiece. Even on week days I usually enjoy a home cooked lunch at my workplace. It tastes so good. It fills me up with good things.
But what if I decided to eat candy all week long? After all it tastes so good. I can pop candy in my mouth all day and enjoy it. Now granted it doesn't fill me up as well, but it tastes better. I get a sugar rush. I have fun, but it doesn't really satisfy.
God reminded me yesterday of how this same principle applies to what I fill up on spirituality throughout the week. I can fill up on entertainment, fluffy music, daydreaming, or playing games on my phone. These things in of themselves aren't sinful. These things can even be a God given way to relax from time to time. But when I spend the majority of my waking hours doing them, it's like the equivalent of eating candy all week. It's fun, but it doesn't satisfy. Worse when I'm feasting on candy, there's no room for real food.
I was convicted that I have been popping a lot of candy lately. It's not horrible or sinful things, but they do take up space that God could fill. Does this mean that I think we all can't do anything that is fun? That there's no room in God's economy for fun things? Absolutely not!
There is steak and potatoes, but there's also chocolate mousse. There is good gifts that God gives us that are meant to be fun and enjoyable. Don't throw them out. But how do we know the difference between enjoying a good gift from God and gorging ourselves on candy that won't satisfy? I would say that a good judge between cheap candy and gourmet chocolate mousse is what it encourages. Does this entertainment encourage you to know Christ more? Does this song encourage you to love as you have been loved? When I finish this activity have I used the time for God's glory?
If I'm honest I can say that I've done both. I've popped candy in my mouth just for the fun of it and I've enjoyed good chocolate mousse. I'm still learning.
How about you? What has your books, movies, games, and music more resembled? Candy or chocolate mousse? Today take some time and ask God about your eating habits. Ask Him what He would have you do. Knowing that He not only spreads out steak dinners, He also serves chocolate mousse. Ask Him to help you fill up on good wholesome food and to know when it's time to enjoy dessert. He will show you, just like He's showing me. Let's do this together.

Scars And Tattoos

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I have scars.
Scars on my heart from the past.
Scars from sins.
Scars from memories.
Scars that remind me of things I can't undo.
I wish scars were as cool as tattoos.
If you have a tattoo, many see you as cool.
Many think you are brave.
Tattoos set you apart.
They tell a story.
They share a message.
They mark their owner.
But scars are different from tattoos. Sometimes I have showed others my scars.
Some wince.
Some run.
Some ask questions.
Some want to know what happened.
Some want to know the story.
Because where there is a scar there was once a wound.
There was once pain.
There was once blood.
There was once choas.
But it didn't stay that way.
By God's grace and tender care a change took place.
With time the wound became a scar.
With love the wound lost its sting.
So when I show my scars I can tell a story.
A story of love.
A story of healing.
A story of pain turned to joy.
A story of God.
My scars may never be cool.
But they will be a testemant to God's grace.
So I will continue to show my scars.
Not because they are cool, but because they tell a story of grace.

Truth and Lies

Recently I've been reading a book on womanhood and femininity. While the book has been good in some areas, personally I felt like it missed the mark.
Honestly I don't remember ever struggling with Biblical womanhood. I grew up in a home that valued being a woman and serving God. I realize now how rare this is and am so thankful for the home I have. I have been totally on board with God's veiw of femininity.
Women are called to be keepers at home. Amen!
Women should be good helpers to their husband's. Absolutely!
Women should be submissive. Yes!
Women should be busy, diligent, and hard working for the glory of God and the good of others. Totally.
What I realized is that while I knew all of these truths I got on the wrong track to fulfilling them. I thought my single years were a holding tank where I was waiting for marriage. All of my life was to become focused on preparing for marriage and keeping a home. Every day I was holding my breath waiting for the guy to come along. My life was focused on my marriage dream not on God.
Slowly this messed up perspective ate away my trust in God and joy. I became bitter and self-centered. Marriage became my idol.
Praise God He chooses to work in our lives even when we believe lies. Especially in the last two years He has been remaking my heart to be more like His. He has remained me of the truth. Here's some of what I have learned.
1. I am here to bring Him glory. Everything I do or say is (or should be) to bring Him glory. My life is not my own, it is His.
2. I have a mission. God gave me a mission to love and encourage the Church. That started a long time ago. It doesn't start the moment I get married, it has already begun.
3. I am not in control. My future and anything it might hold has been given into God's hands. Although there are times when I struggle greatly with this reality, it is true. The best thing I can do is pry my hands off my illusion of control and give it to God. I can trust the God of all time with my future.
4. I have been given so much right now. As I look around I see how much God has given me. There is so much to be grateful for.
5. I am right where I am supposed to be. There is a great temptation for me to think that I missed the boat. Maybe if I had tried a little harder or done something different I would have been married by now. But God keeps reminding me that He sees me. He didn't make a mistake. I am right where I should be. I am doing what God has called me to.
Remembering these truths has transformed the way I view life and my future. It makes all the difference.
Today I am so thankful that God and His truths never change. Even when I am being fickle, emotional, or crazy He never changes. He is and always will be God. He is always good and He has been good to me.
Today I can celebrate these truths. I can live them out with joy because of the Ultimate Truth Giver.

Hope

When I was 10 my sister Rebekkah went into the hospital with a collapsed lung and a strep infection that threatened every organ in her body. Less than 12 hours after admitting her, they called my parents in and prepared them for her death.
At home I was making party hats for the party to welcome Rebekkah home. My sister Sarah came in and was befuddled by what I was doing. "It's going to be months if that before she comes home. Why are you making these now?" I don't remember what I answered her. But I remember keeping on making the hats.
Praise God that despite what a lot of doctors told my parents, we got to use those party hats one month later. She came home and recovered well.
Now as I think about those hats 18 years later, I thank God for the gift of hope. A gift that looks rediculous to outsiders. You do crazy things when you are guided by a hope in God. Things that look as silly as making party hats before you know if the party will happen.
But our God is a God of crazy hope. Hope that one day there will be a world without pain. Hope that God will be true to His promises. Hope that the future God has planned will outweigh the pain of the past.
Let those words sink into your soul.
Now what can you do to live out hope? You have been given the gift of hope beyond yourself. Use it today. Start that project. Sing that song with gusto. Dream about a bright future. Walk in the hope that has been given.
Don't be afraid to look funny. Step out and do something expressing hope. Watch and see how it grows your faith.